


His Quietus Make

by CassadyFlies



Category: No. 6 (Anime & Manga), No. 6 - All Media Types, No. 6 - Asano Atsuko
Genre: Here we go, M/M, Reunion Fic, Reunions, Suicide, sad- sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-02-28 15:31:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2737820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassadyFlies/pseuds/CassadyFlies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes the only way to live is to die. And die, and die, and die...</p><p>"So wise so young, they say do never live long."</p><p>Very true, Billy old pal. Also those with white hair. Yikes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Like a green girl

Nezumi was in a tree. The highest branches he could reach before they would snap and send him plummeting. There were twigs in his hair, and scratches down his arms because he didn’t want to be up there. He had hurried, and sacrificed all grace. Sighing openly, he pulled his hair free from it’s ponytail and shook out all the unfortunate leaves that had been ripped from their branches. There were a few small white flowers too. If only they had been apple blossoms, it would have almost been poetic- given his hair and his current state of undress, he felt like Eve.

 

“Eve!” A voice called from below, “Don’t be that way, we _love_ you!” A drunk old man was accompanied by his equally drunk and old friend.

 

“The theater’s dead, sweetheart, so come give us a private show!” The other hooted.

 

“Fuck you!” Nezumi called back down to them. They snorted. He felt like a child, hiding this way, calling names.

 

“Little presumptuous, dontcha think?” The first man retorted. “Given the- given that _you’re_ the one with experience?” He stumbled over his words, raising a half-empty wine bottle in salute. The other howled with laughter.

 

“I’ll tell your wives you’ve been jerking it to pictures of me when I was fourteen!” He yelled back. _Way to not sound like a child,_ he reprimanded himself.

 

“Aw, my wife’s a dried up old clam, what’s a man supposed to do?” The second man whined, shrugging his shoulders. “Or, you could always update your headshots. How old are you now? Old enough, right?”

 

“I wouldn’t fuck my wife’s cunt even if she _wasn’t_ an icy bitch.” The other slurred, leaning on his friend.

 

Nezumi growled in frustration. There was a reason he was in this situation, and no matter how he looked at it, it was most definitely his own fault. First off, it was his own fault he wasn’t allowed to hurt these guys. He had a deal with the new settlement of No. 6 in the forest, and he wasn’t planning on sitting through another hearing. Second off, it was his own fault he’d let them get near him in the first place. He’d been in the basement of an ‘entertainment center’ (read: strip club) to pay back a favor to the woman that owned the place, and he decided to leave his knife in his other eh… lingerie. So now he was left without the ability to threaten injury, and without the ability to cause injury. Shit.

 

“Don’t be so cold, Eve,” the first man moaned, “If you don’t take care of your fans, they’ll leave you!”

 

Nezumi watched blankly as he swirled his half-empty bottle of wine in the air.

 

“Come on, babe, this bottle’s still half-full! Come have fun with us…” He grinned sloppily, and Nezumi felt sick.

 

“Bet she’s got some prick with a semi-auto guarding that ass 24/7 anyway.” The second scoffed.

 

“That true, Eve? Guess what, I got a semi you can guard right here!” He pointed at his crotch.

 

“No thanks.” Nezumi declined, wishing he had shoes on so he could run faster.

 

“Hmm, tell you what.” The first man mumbled, “You come down here, give me a nice kiss, and we’ll leave you alone.”

 

Well… If he said yes, they wouldn’t try to jump on him as soon as he climbed down. That would give him a head start to run. The only other option was to keep up this humiliating squirrel-being-treed-by-dogs game.

 

“Really?” He called back sweetly, feigning innocence. Of _course_ they wouldn’t let him go.

 

“Yeah, doll. We’ll be real nice.” The first man confirmed.

 

“Then I can just leave?” He pretended to think on it.

 

“Absolutely.” The second man nodded fervently.

 

“Well… Alright.” Nezumi smiled nervously and slowly climbed down the tree with much less grace than he was capable. He hung from the lowest branch by his arms, giving them one last grin before swinging the other direction and taking off.

 

“Whaa… Ah, shit!” One of them yelled as they started chasing.

 

“You know what… Screw it.” The other called, “You make one ugly-ass female anyway!”

 

Nezumi smirked as he rounded a corner into an abandoned building. “Ah, shit, my clothes.” He looked down at his exposed skin as he settled into the shadows. “I’m gonna get attacked if I go out like this…” Well, there was no way around it, then. He’d have to go back home. That was something he’d been hoping to avoid ever doing again for the past three years. But, all of his stuff was in his knapsack at the strip club, and he couldn’t go back there until it opened again tomorrow evening. _Not that I’m planning on being around tomorrow._ He mused, pulling at a thread on his black undergarments that stood out sharply against his pale skin. It also made the various scars that raked his legs and back stand out a little too well, but what could you do? It wasn’t like anyone who worked for that place was completely whole anyway. His wounds were just visible. Shrugging, he pulled a piece of string out of the old curtains that sagged by the windows and tied his hair back. _Better._ There was something calming about having his hair tied back like that. He went from being something people wanted to fuck to someone people wouldn’t dare fuck with. A cat crept out from a corner, eyeing Nezumi with mistrust. Nezumi hissed at it.

 

It wasn’t that far of a walk back to his old place, only twenty minutes. Still, the chill of bare flesh against autumn breeze and the painful sensation of pine needles on un-shoed feet dragged the time out longer. Nezumi almost wished he still had the capacity to feel embarrassed about his attire, maybe the blush would warm him up. Unfortunately, his body-shame left him when he was thirteen at that old theater that was now a pile of rubble. The director had called him, “Innocence newly corrupted. Like Eve and the damning of Man.” Looking back, it had really just been a fruity way to call him a whore. Regardless, the name had stuck and here he was, walking back to a house he’d only dreamed about since he was sixteen, wearing cheap, women’s undergarments that admittedly looked really good on him. Maybe he’d hold on to them. For future use.

 

The door was locked, but the wood was rotting. Nezumi kicked it in in one go. His feet still lead him down the hallway without a thought. This place would be burned into his memory forever. Finally, near the end of the hall, was the room he’d lived in not so very long ago. He paused, staring at the chipped lacquer. He half-hoped that when he opened the door, the lights would be glowing warmly, and the room would smell of old-books, watery-soup, and Shion… Nezumi shook himself. Sentiment was for the unhounded. As for himself, sentiment could kill. Without giving himself another moment to think on it, he shoved open the door. Nobody had lived here since he and Shion had, so the room was untouched. Still… The floor and other surfaces were coated in dust, several books had fallen from the shelves, and any smell of home was long gone. It looked dead. But that wasn’t important to Nezumi. What he needed were some functional clothes. He just needed something to get him from here to where he was going. He changed quickly.

 

_Ah…_ He looked down at his newly-clothed body, feeling that something was wrong. _This shirt was Shion’s._ He ran the fabric through his fingers, it wasn’t bad quality. It was a little small, but it worked. Also, he didn’t really feel like taking it off. He gave the room a quick look around, allowing himself one small smile. This place did have happy memories, after all. There was a small bag in the corner. Nezumi picked it up, stuffing a few other changes of clothes in it, as well as a cooking knife. Something caught his eye- a book lying open on the bed, abandoned just before they had left for the correctional facility. He read the dusty page it was open to.

 

“Hamlet.” He smiled, stowing the book in his bag. He’d have to finish where he left off. One should never leave a book half-read. Especially a book like this.

 

Now, time to be off. Nezumi shouldered the bag and walked out the door, refusing to look back at the room again. The next place he was going would take a bit longer to get to- it was a two hour walk to the border of No. 6. By the time he’d arrive, the sun would have been set for thirty minutes. Best to get walking quickly.

 

He had a promise to keep.

 


	2. Cruel to be kind

The break in the wall of the old border of number six now had a staircase built into it. It was one of the first things Shion had done during the reconstruction. Nezumi remembered hearing about it as he was leaving West Block- the symbol of unity between the two cities. People had been excited back then. Now, it was covered in cigarette butts and bottle caps. My, how time flies. It had altogether been five years since No. 6 was destroyed- Nezumi was returning a little sooner than he’d planned, but it was now or never, so now it was. Just beyond the border, the separation of the classes was still apparent. On the West Block side, people still lived in squalor. It was a less hungry, less violent squalor, granted, but squalor all the same. On the No. 6 side, there were houses. The houses had yards with kids and no guns. The difference would have been shocking if Nezumi hadn’t known how it looked before.

 

A little girl with a short wooden sword ran up to him, laughing, “Gotcha! I’ll cut your leg clean off!” She whacked him in the side of the leg with the sword.

 

“I’d be careful,” Nezumi warned, “I’ve got a friend down in Chronos who might try to avenge me.”

 

“Pft,” she scoffed, “What’s he gonna do? I’ve got a sword. Waaaaaah!” She ran off screaming.

 

_Yeah? He’s got a gun._ Nezumi thought with a ridiculous burst of competitiveness. Whatever. He had more important things to do than to argue with children.

 

The streets were clean, and lined with garden beds. Everything about the place seemed fresh and welcoming. Almost oppressively so. So, it was still similar in some respects. Everything was falsely lined up and even the ground felt hollow. Like there might be people manning the roads from beneath, ready to jump up at any moment and pick up a stray pastry wrapper. Gross. Shion’s place wasn’t too far from here. He lived in Chronos in an apartment near the government building. Nezumi had done his research, he knew exactly where to go.

 

Before long, he found himself facing a neatly numbered door, ‘116.’ Above the number, someone (almost certainly Shion) had written in chalk the word ‘sonnet.’ Nezumi smirked, “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.” How cute. Shion wouldn’t be home for another two hours, so Nezumi let himself in. Really, an important government official should have more sturdy locks- it took him one try to pick it.

 

The apartment was nice, the couch matched the curtains and there was a small kitchen in the corner. Nezumi took off his shoes and went exploring. Behind the living room was the door to the bedroom. There was a king sized bed with pillows lined up vertically half way across. That didn’t have any immediate answers, so Nezumi moved on. The bathroom had a large bathtub with a shower over it. He was definitely going to use that. Right now, actually, that looked divine.

 

The water pressure was perfect, and the water could be changed from cold to warm to hot. The room filled with steam in no time, and Nezumi felt like years of filth were washing clean. He wouldn’t be surprised if he stepped out of the shower and had turned invisible. There were about ten different kinds of soaps in bottles, so Nezumi tried them all. His hair itself must have been holding an enormous amount of stress, because all the tangles slid out on their own.

 

_Man, my hair is getting long._ It streaked down to the middle of his back, forming a watery sheet. He should probably trim it at some point. He kinda liked it though, it felt like his entire history was held in his hair. The very ends dated back years, maybe even from around when he met Shion. Or not, that was so long ago. About nine years. Nezumi could have stayed in the shower forever, but he was afraid he’d lose track of time. So, stretching out his now relaxed muscles, he dried off and put back on his clothes.

 

_What next?_ The refrigerator looked inviting. Nezumi padded over to the kitchen, grabbing an apple and some crackers from the counter. Then, it was off to the couch, which sat in front of a huge TV screen. He clicked it on, flipping through the channels. He stopped on some anime called ‘D. Gray-man’ and half-paid attention as he ate his snack. The main characters were pretty attractive, but otherwise… meh. Time ticked by, and soon, he heard a key in the lock. Nezumi clicked off the TV.

 

Shion sighed as he stepped into his home, taking off his shoes and jacket. Nezumi watched silently, trying not to smile too much when Shion noticed the other pair of shoes.

 

“Hello?” Shion called into the apartment nervously.

 

“Welcome home,” Nezumi responded.

 

“Ah, shit! What the hell, who’s-” He broke off, face going pale when he noticed Nezumi sitting on the couch, laughing at him. “No way.”

 

“Way.” Nezumi grinned, standing up to greet him.

 

Shion walked up slowly, like he wasn’t sure what he was really seeing. Nezumi let him walk up until he was standing not an inch away from him. Shion reached out hesitantly and touched the fabric of Nezumi’s jacket. “Fuck.”

 

“Well, your vocabulary’s certainly grown.” Nezumi chuckled, trying not to notice the drastically decreased height difference between them. They were almost the same height now.

 

Shion stared at Nezumi with wide eyes for a moment in silence. Nezumi was about to say something, but a fist unexpectedly collided with his face.

 

“...What?” Nezumi looked at Shion in confusion. Shion was _glaring_ at him, breath ragged.

 

_“How dare you?”_ He almost-but-not-quite yelled. “You waited _five years_ to come back for me? Then you just show up at my house like _nothing happened?”_ He balled a fist in his hair, “I’m pissed off!”

 

“Y-yeah, I can see that.” Nezumi rubbed the side of his face. _At least he didn’t hit that hard. He can’t be_ that _angry._

 

“And- and when you leave again, is this how long I’ll have to wait for the next time?” Shion’s eyes welled with tears.

 

Something twisted in Nezumi’s chest, “Kinda thought you’d try harder to make me stay. I’m surprised.”

 

Shion looked away, “Yeah, I thought I would too. Back then. I’m not the same person, you know. _It’s been five years,”_ he said again, going back to glaring. The menacing quality was diminished somewhat, however, by the fact that he was crying.

 

It was Nezumi’s turn to look away, “Next… Two years next time.”

 

Shion frowned, wiping his eyes, “What?”

 

“Two years. I can come back in two years.” Guess it was time to explain. No use worrying about Shion’s feelings now, might as well come clean, “I wasn’t even going to come back this soon but-”

 

“You _what?_ You were going to leave me _longer?”_ He growled, “What, was this just more _convenient_ for you?”

 

Nezumi pressed his lips together, _suck it up, he’s already mad._ “Yeah. I didn’t want to-”

 

“I thought you might be _dead!_ I talked to the people in the forest settlement, and nobody had seen you. I went to the theater they built in the east. I went back to the ruins of the correctional facility, and _nobody knew where you were!”_

 

“Shion, shut the hell up!” Nezumi shouted, massaging his forehead. This was annoying. “I didn’t want to die before I came back. That’s why I’m here now.”

 

Shion hiccuped and shut him mouth. “Explain.”

 

“I’m _trying.”_ Nezumi groaned, sitting back down on the couch and pushing his his hair out of his face. He should tie it back up again. He took a deep breath, “I’ve got this contract with an exploration team. They think there might be another part of Earth that’s still habitable. Thing is…” Shion sat down next to him, refusing to meet his eyes. “Thing is, they’re not the most, ah… _reliable_ guys. Most of them were the same people living under the correctional facility. I knew a few of them from before so… They’re letting me tag along under the condition that I sever all ties with the outside world.” He paused, making sure Shion was listening. “That means you.”

 

Shion was quiet. “But… I broke the world with you.”

 

“And you fixed it without me. They don’t trust you, there’s nothing else to be said.” Nezumi shrugged. “I want to go, and I’m not sure I’ll make it back. I couldn’t die in peace if I knew I hadn’t fulfilled my promise to you.”

 

Shion sat still for a moment, staring at his lap before nodding. “How long before you go?”

 

“A week.” That was plenty of time, in Nezumi’s opinion. What could they possibly have to say to each other after five years apart?

 

“Okay.” Shion sat up straighter, “One week, then. What should we do first?” He gave a watery smile.

 

Nezumi smiled back. So that’s how it was, then? Ignore the obvious cracks in their relationship for a week. One week to just be happy. He could do that. “Whatever you want.”

 

Shion frowned, thinking. After a moment, he looked back up and blushed, “Whatever I want?”

 

Nezumi gave a slight bow, “Your wish is my command, my prince.”

  
Shion nodded, narrowing his eyes challengingly, “Okay. I want… I want you to kiss me again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...They'll be okay.


	3. When you do dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehe... Slightly NSFW? Don't know what exactly to say about that. It's not 'alone in my room at night' level porn, but... you know. Maybe don't let your ten year old little brother be reading over your shoulder.

“I want you to kiss me again.”

 

Nezumi’s heart melted a little bit. _What an innocent request for such a challenging face._ He was still the same Shion. “Of course.”

 

Nezumi felt Shion’s breath hitch as he placed his hand on the side of his face. _This isn’t a goodbye kiss, this isn’t a promise kiss. I want you to feel the heat behind this one._ Nezumi pressed his lips against Shion’s, parting them slightly after a moment. He leaned in further, making Shion gasp.

 

Shion was the first to back away, “That was… different.”

 

“Oh, good, you could tell.” Nezumi kept his hand on Shion’s shoulder, not letting him back away too far. “I was hoping you’d notice.”

 

Shion’s cheeks were flushed. “Do that again.”

 

“Aren’t we demanding today?” Nezumi chastised, but leaned in to kiss him again. If this didn’t go any further, at least it was fun to watch Shion squirm. Nezumi touched his tongue lightly against Shion’s bottom lip.

 

Shion pulled back again, “Um…” His hair stood out even whiter against his flushed skin. “What was…?”

 

Nezumi smiled, “Did it feel good, though?”

 

Shion closed his eyes tight and nodded. “I think you’ve improved since last time.”

 

Irksome. “Last time, the point wasn’t to try and turn you on.”

 

Shion’s eyes flew open, “And… That’s the point this time?”

 

“Is it working?” Nezumi kissed him again without waiting for an answer. Gently, he laid Shion down on the couch, moving their bodies closer together.

 

Surprisingly, Shion responded actively. He wove his fingers through Nezumi’s hair. _Oh my god…_ Nezumi gasped out loud, _that feels really good._ “Ah, Shion…” _Maybe I have a kink._

 

Shion smiled, “I did this to you one time when you slept. You liked it then, too.” He tightened his grip on Nezumi’s hair.

 

“Oh, _shit.”_ Nezumi panted, feeling suddenly very vulnerable, and not just a little bit turned on. “I thought you were innocent.”

 

Shion frowned, letting go. “Not nearly as much as you think.”

 

Nezumi suppressed a moan, “No, don’t let go,” he said before he could stop himself.

 

Shion gripped his hair again, “Then don’t underestimate me.”

 

“This escalated really quickly.” Nezumi muttered.

 

Shion grabbed his hair so tight it hurt, “No, it took five years.”

 

Nezumi bit his lip in an attempt not to whimper pathetically. “Yeah… Guess it did. What did you do that whole time?”

 

“Oh, I had sex with _everybody.”_ Shion rubbed the pads of his fingers into Nezumi’s scalp.

 

“You… did… what?” Nezumi panted.

 

“You were right, it was definitely something I needed to learn. It’s different with each person, huh? Girls, guys, everything in between. Couldn’t just experience one. You told me to _learn._ That’s something I’m good at.” He gave Nezumi’s hair one last tug before letting go.

 

Nezumi leaned back and stared at him, “You’re lying.”

 

“Of course.” Shion looked away, blushing again. “It never seemed right.”

 

Relief flooded him for whatever reason he wasn’t ready to explore. “I see. Well then,” He shook off his moment of uncertainty. “How about with me? Wanna have sex?”

 

Shion’s eyes got huge, “Wait, what? You’re kidding.”

 

Nezumi frowned, “What was all that about if you don’t want to?”

 

“You used to play with my hair all the time! We never had sex before.” Shion dropped his hands down by his sides.

 

Now Nezumi was confused, “I never… I never like- like _that.”_ _Ugh, he’s infuriating._ “That, your highness, is what we call _foreplay.”_ So Shion _was_ still pretty innocent. “Meaning play be _fore_ sex.”

 

Shion frowned, “I know what foreplay means. I didn’t think you’d want to have sex with me.”

 

_Aw._

“I’ve said you were sexy for _years.”_ Nezumi kissed him lightly.

 

“No, you said it _once._ Years _ago.”_ Shion narrowed his eyes.

 

“I thought we were going to let that go.” Nezumi huffed, sitting up again.

 

Shion sighed, “Yeah. Okay.”

 

Nezumi thought about it, “How about this? I do _exactly_ as you say, and you stop me whenever you want. Whether that involves sex, or kissing, or just me cooking dinner- I’ll give you total control.”

 

Shion sat up too, “Hmm. Alright. Cook dinner.”

 

Nezumi’s face fell, “You’re kidding.”

 

“Yeah, I am. Let’s go to my room.” Shion stood up and walked through the door to his bedroom.

 

Oh. Nezumi felt dumb. Since when had this guy been able to fool him? Must be the hormones. _Gotta get that under control._ He stood up and followed Shion.

 

Upon seeing the way his pillows were laid out, Shion startled and quickly put them into a more normal arrangement. “I… um… Didn’t make my bed this morning.”

 

That was true at least. The blankets were crumpled in the middle of the bed, clearly left from morning.

 

“Okay.” Shion faced him, “I have control, so… Undress me.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a tease, I know. Just wait for next time.


	4. These violent delights

“Undress me.”

 

Okay. That was something he could do. Nezumi actually liked this- being told what to do. It was a nice change from the rest of his life, where everything he did was his own choice. Not that he didn’t appreciate the freedom, but the pressure of responsibility got to him sometimes.

 

“Not sure about the tie.” Nezumi commented, taking it off.

 

“No one asked you.” Shion frowned.

 

_Oh. Well, okay then._ “Fine. Damn.”

 

Shion blushed, “Why not? It’s for work.”

 

Nezumi shrugged, “You look so formal. Like an adult.”

 

“I _am_ an adult.” Shion muttered.

 

“I don’t buy that for a second.” Nezumi undid the buttons on Shion’s shirt and mumbled, “My life ended at sixteen.”

 

“What’s that?” Shion frowned at him. He looked concerned.

 

Nezumi grinned, “Nothing at all. Although, I wonder- when you die and come back, do you have to start counting years again? Because like hell am I doing this with a five-year-old.”

 

“Five and a _half.”_ Shion corrected, shrugging out of his shirt.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Well, I guess it’s fine, then.” Nezumi unzipped his pants.

 

“Wait.” Shion stopped him.

 

“Already?”

 

“You don’t get to be more dressed than me. You first.”

 

Hmm. Better than stopping. As quickly as he could while maintaining grace, Nezumi stripped down to his underwear.

 

“...What?” Shion’s eyes were wide, “Did you always…? I mean, I saw you wearing dresses, but…”

 

“Huh?” Oh. He hadn’t changed underwear since earlier today. He was still in the bottom half from the strip club. “Ah, I see. I had… an event earlier.”

 

Shion frowned in confusion, “At the theater?”

 

Well… “Ish.” Nezumi placed his hands on either side of Shion’s waist, “Can I finish now?”

 

“Y-yeah…” Shion looked like a vaguely interested lecture attendee.

 

_Why doesn’t he get it? This is supposed to be significant, right? When you actually like someone? It’s not like… It’s not like he’s just some guy to me. It’s the same for him, right? But he’s less experienced so… shouldn’t he be more expressive?_

In reality, Nezumi had no clue what he was doing here. He’d never had the opportunity, let alone the desire, to touch someone he _wanted_ to. It felt different, and that was a little unsettling.

 

“It’s your move, your highness.” Nezumi took a seat on the bed, looking at Shion pointedly. “Exactly what you say, that was the deal.”

 

Shion frowned, “I thought…” He shook his head.

 

“What’s that?”

 

“No, I just thought… I thought this would feel _heavier._ I love you, so… why does this feel so normal?” Shion sat down next to him.

 

_Tch._ “Alright, first off, one week’s a bit too short for ‘love.’ Pick a different word. Secondly, we’re friends sorta, so this _should_ be normal.”

 

“No it shouldn’t!” Shion looked shocked, “I don’t think this is something friends really do.”

 

“You’ve had two friends.” Nezumi explained gently, “Both of them have wanted to have sex with you.”

 

“I’ve had more friends than that!” Shion exclaimed, “I had a friend from work at the parks, and there’s Inukashi, and Little Shion, and Rikiga, and my mom-”

 

_He’s going to give me a headache._ “Family doesn’t count as friends. Don’t say your mom is your friend, that’s just… ugh. And Little Shion… is he that baby you stole?”

 

“I didn’t _steal_ him.” Shion muttered.

 

“So, that’s like your son kind of. Inukashi’s just the other parent, since you forced that baby on him, and I think Rikiga might be more booze than person, so- Ouch.” Shion slapped him on the ribs.

 

“Stop it. I thought lovers were supposed to be _nice_ to each other.”

 

_Again with that word,_ “Shion, you gotta find some better vocabulary.”

 

_“You_ go find… some better… manners,” he stumbled.

 

Nezumi smirked, “Feel better?”

 

“You piss me off.” He laid down on the bed, arms stretched out to either side.

 

“... Yeah.” Nezumi laid down on top of him, tucking his chin in by Shion’s neck. Shion didn’t seem to mind.

 

They were quiet for a long moment before Shion spoke again, in softer tones, “Am I still as warm?”

 

“What? As when?” Nezumi didn’t want to move, he liked feeling the vibrations in their chests when they spoke.

 

Shion sighed, both their chests rising and falling with the movement. “The night we met, you said something to me before you fell asleep. So, I wonder… you said, ‘living people are warm.’ I wonder if I’m still as warm as I was back then.”

 

“I said that?” Nezumi closed his eyes, feeling suddenly really peaceful.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You’re warmer.”

 

Shion was silent for a while, “Good.” There was another long pause before he spoke again, “People don’t touch you enough.”

 

Nezumi’s eyes flew open, “What?” He sat up, keeping Shion pinned to the bed between his legs.

 

Shion’s expression was blank, “I think it’s true. You get calm or happy when I touch you, and even when you initiate it, you make sure I’m not repulsed.”

 

Nezumi scowled, _who does he think he is?_ “What the hell makes you say that?”

 

Blank expression sustaining, “I counted your breaths. You might not show much truth in your face, but you don’t school your breath. I don’t think people touch you enough. Kindly, that is.”

 

Fury stung the backs of Nezumi’s eyes, “I don’t want to hear that from you!”

 

_What the hell? I just came back and he already thinks he understands everything. He’s always like that, trying to be clever._ Another side of his brain joined in, _Stop crying. (I’m not.) Yes, you are. (No I’m not!) Well, you’re about to. Stop it. Don’t let him force a reaction out of you, that’s not fair._ Right. Okay.

 

“I know what I want.” Shion interrupted his thoughts.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Lay down on your back.” Shion pushed Nezumi away so he could sit up.

 

Uncertainly, Nezumi lay down in the space Shion had abandoned. What a strange vantage point to be looking at _Shion_ from.

 

“I want to touch you. That’s it. You don’t get to touch back.” Shion put his hand over Nezumi’s eyes, “Close your eyes.”

 

“I’m not-”

 

“You said whatever I want. Were you lying?”

 

God _damn._ “No.”

 

“Good. Don’t open them.”

 

Shion disappeared for a moment to the end of the bed.

 

“What are you-”

 

“Shh.”

 

Well then.

 

The room was still. Nezumi was still fairly pissed off, so the quiet did nothing for him. He wished Shion would babble about something. A moment later, Shions hand appeared on his chest. Nezumi resisted the urge to open his eyes because, _woah._ That actually made him feel… good. Every instinct screamed for him to defend himself, but he swallowed them down. A second later, Shion’s hand dragged slowly from his chest to his stomach. His lips parted slightly as Shion rubbed in small circles. This was weirdly… comforting. Muscles in Nezumi’s back he hadn’t realized were tense suddenly relaxed. _Shit, how is he doing this?_ Shion’s other hand pushed the hair out of Nezumi’s face, fingernails scraping lightly at his hairline. _Oh my god…_ Shion kissed him on the cheek. _Oh… I don’t think I’ve really been kissed there before._ It was strange, not sexual or possessive, not needy or patronizing. It was just… _Kindness. Huh._ Nezumi felt heat rush into all four limbs like warm bath water. Shion ran his hands down Nezumi’s arms, almost like he were responding to it. He traced over Nezumi’s palms, and pulled lightly on each of his fingers.

 

A language that hadn’t graced Nezumi’s tongue in years suddenly poured out, “Heiwana te ga arimasuyona, Shion…” He’d almost forgotten he spoke it.

 

He heard Shion sigh contentedly, “Maogo?”

 

_Yeah. I guess it was._ “Mhm. I thought I forgot it. I don’t think I’ve spoken it in years.”

 

Shion’s entire body pressed down on him suddenly, “It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. Be happy, okay?”

 

Shion sat up and traced his hands down to Nezumi’s hips, and continued down his thighs. The tone suddenly shifted to a more sexual hue. Still, though, every touch tingled lightly. Nezumi’s brain felt empty.

 

“You should take your work clothes off before going to bed.” Shion tugged at the strings of Nezumi’s underwear, _Oh yeah… I’m still wearing these._

“Take them off for me?” Nezumi requested.

 

“Yeah.” He slid them off gently. “Oh. Look. You’re feeling it now.”

 

Nezumi let himself sigh, “Yeah, I guess so.”

 

Shion unexpectedly tangled his hand in Nezumi’s hair again. _Ah, oh shit._ Looks like he really _did_ have a kink. “D-do that more…”

 

Hands pulled and twisted in Nezumi’s hair, sometimes grazing his scalp, sometimes pulling his head off the pillow. Nezumi’s breath sped up. “Oh shit, _Shion!”_ Eyes still shut tight, Nezumi was filled with a sudden desperation. “Ngh… Touch me please…”

 

Shion’s touch ran higher up his thighs until Nezumi wanted to cry. _This is so unfair. He shouldn’t be able to make me feel like this._

 

With one hand tangled in his hair, and the other slowly getting him off below, Nezumi forgot how to speak. His mind was a blaze of colors and ideas that he couldn’t seem to find the right code to explain. Not that he wanted to, this was the best he’d ever felt sexually. Probably the best he’d ever felt at all.

 

A moment later, he recognized that he was making sound. His vocal cords were definitely vibrating, but his brain seemed too preoccupied to process the noise. He hoped it was pretty at least.

 

Shion’s voice managed to reach him, however, through the rush of blood in his ears, “If you need to come, go ahead. That’s the endgame, after all.”

 

Yes. Something about being given permission made his brain spin as he climbed closer to his climax. It whispered, _I’ll still love you. Even if you do this with me._ He came, voice cracking through his delirium and reaching his ears as a sob.

 

He opened his eyes to see Shion follow him over the edge, and collapse down on top of him.

 

_Innocence newly corrupted. I think I’ll call you Eve._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone who's never had sex, and someone who's never had sex *willingly.*
> 
> These two are a disaster.


	5. Royal throne of kings

Neither of them moved until the stickiness became unbearable. They cleaned up quickly, and made their way back to the living room.

 

Something in Nezumi’s gut swirled with a strange combination of joy and love and… shame. That was a first. He thought it strange that he felt this way with Shion and not… any other thing or person he had done. Since he was twelve he’d had men drool at and touch and use his body. He’d never felt shame then when by all rights he could have. So why now? With someone he’d known almost all his life, someone he’d put his life on the line for and been saved in return. _Whatever. I’ll worry about it later._ He collapsed down on the couch with a groan, “This new life has been good to you.”

 

Shion sat down next to him with a bit more grace, “Yeah. For once, the ground of No. 6 feels solid. Not hollow like before.”

 

_Is that what he thinks?_ “I don’t know,” Nezumi pushed the hair out of his eyes, “I can still feel the dead, rotting bones of the old city.”

 

“Everyone’s got skeletons in their closets.” Shion shrugged.

 

“But some of them contain the ghosts of genocide.” Nezumi reminded, staring at the blank screen of the TV.

 

“Bottlenecking. We’ll just keep getting more and more vicious as the good people are killed off. That’s evolution. Without the ghosts of genocide, the whole world would be… Eden. I think you’d get bored.” Shion was staring blankly with him.

 

Hm. “I forgot you were smart.” Nezumi glanced at Shion’s dull expression in the reflective screen. “Eden, huh?”

 

Shion nodded. “Got a little fucked up along the way. Huh, Eve?”

 

“You’ve been reading.” Nezumi picked at the hem of his shirt, “Poetically, I’d like to say that makes you Adam, since I dragged you along with me- but not in this lifetime. You can be Madam.”

 

“Does that make us lesbians?” Shion intoned.

 

The lifelessness of his voice made Nezumi cringe. He played it off, “I think we may have always been. We did move in together after having known each other, what, one day?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Ugh. His voice was terrible. Nezumi wished he could tear Shion’s vocal chords out and withhold them until he was ready to behave. “Shion…”

 

“What?” Monotone.

 

Gross. “What’s wrong?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

_“That._ Your voice. What’s wrong with it?” Nezumi grimaced.

 

“I don’t have to pretend like I’m happy _all_ the time. Sometimes it’s nice to not put the effort in.” He sunk lower on the couch, grabbing Nezumi’s hand. Well, at least he was still affectionate.

 

“I thought it wasn’t effort for you.” Nezumi muttered.

 

“And I thought I’d be fine waiting for you forever. I don’t-” His voice broke and his breath shuddered, “I don’t want to be alone again.”

 

That was the part of Shion that frustrated him. His brain was so set in the future that he had trouble focusing on the present. It must be unbearable to have the kind of soul that stays. To have to wallow in your life- mistakes and all- forever. Nezumi prefered to live by the gospel of the wind- “Touch all without discrimination nor carelessness. See all without abstinence nor passion. Hear all without judgement nor apathy. And if you return, you return as someone you never were.” That was the promise he had made to himself, those words had been engraved in his soul the day they burned off the tree they had been engraved in so long ago.

 

“Let’s go.” Nezumi stood up.

 

“What?”

 

“Let’s _go.”_ He pulled Shion up off the couch, “Quit whining, it’s annoying. Let’s go do something _fun.”_

 

“Like what?” The color returned to Shion’s voice as he reached for his coat.

 

“I don’t know- ever swam naked in a lake while on opium? Me either. Now I want to.” Nezumi tied up his hair. “No idea where you’d even _get_ opium in No. 6, but I bet there are people around the border who have some. Let’s go dress up in our most prettiest dresses and see if they’ll let us smoke with them.”

 

“That doesn’t sound fun, that sounds dangerous.” Shion frowned.

 

“You don’t know, you’ve never done it either. Want to see what my life is like, Shion? Then let’s run.” Nezumi was pissed off. No way he was spending an entire week dreading the end. If life was about being happy, then the way to be happiest was to run. Problems crawl, and if you’re fast enough, they’ll never catch you. Besides, maybe Shion would stop moping if he had a little adventure back in his life.

 

“Nezumi-” Shion began.

 

“Or, if that doesn’t sound good to you, have you ever played strip poker with hobos in an alley? They’re fun about it, they’ll actually steal each others clothes, so at the end of the night, there’s a bunch of drunk old naked guys running through the street. It gets even better when they find out you’re not a girl. I’ve done that one before, but if it sounds bucket-list worthy to you, I’ll give it another go.” He threw on his scarf and headed to the door.

 

“That sounds terrible. I’d way rather swim.” Shion buttoned up his jacket.

 

“Alright, swimming it is.” Nezumi strode out the door.

 

“Wait- I didn’t mean I’d actually-” Shion sprinted after him, “Are you seriously gonna try that?”

 

“Why not? Never done opium before, but it sounds mysterious, doesn’t it? What a great word. I just want to try it because of the name, really. It’s so round, I could say it all day. Hurry up.” Nezumi picked up his pace, jogging down the stairs of the apartment complex.

 

“It’s not like we’re late for something!” Shion panted, jogging behind.

 

“No, but we’ll just be that much closer to dying. I don’t wanna die, Shion. I’ve got too much still left to see.” Nezumi leaped over the last three steps, bending his knees in a light plié before springing off into a jog.

 

Shion ran after him, “Can we-” panting, “Can we not do the drug thing, at least? Let’s just go swimming, okay? I don’t want you to drown or anything.”

 

Aw. How sweet. Nezumi frowned, “That takes most of the fun out of it, though. Then it’s just normal skinny dipping. I do that all the time.”

 

“You do?” Shion caught up with him, mouth hanging open in disbelief.

 

“You don’t?” Nezumi slowed down, turning a corner off into a field.

 

“No, it’s illegal, isn’t it? Also, creepy people take pictures.” They approached a small patch of trees.

 

“Yeah. Yeah to both things. But, creepy people always take pictures. You can’t let their horniness stop you from having fun.” A small gang of four men sat around a pot of boiling water on a battery-powered hot-plate. “Hey, guys. What’s cooking?”

 

One of the men with a large beard looked up at the two warily, “Stone soup. Care to join us?”

 

Nezumi grinned, “Hell yeah. You don’t mind?”

 

“Hey.” One of the guys stood up. He had no hair, but his mustache hung down to his chest to make up for it. “I knows you.”

 

“Is that so? What a nice surprise.”Nezumi scanned his face. They’d definitely never met before. He’d remember a mustache like that. He must know him as Eve.

 

“From the theater. And the club. Ain’t you the little crossdressing whore what was in Hamlet?” He pointed rudely.

 

“Eve. Nice to meet a fan.” Nezumi smiled, scanning the area within the man’s arm reach for possible weapons.

 

“Fan, my ass.” He scoffed. “I jerked off to yer picture a couple ‘a times back when you was younger. Yer too old for me now.” He sat back down on his suitcase heavily.

 

Shion squeaked uncomfortably, reminding Nezumi of his existence. “Oh, yeah. This is, ah… Let’s go with Mary. Like the virgin, not the prostitute.”

 

“That kid’s name Shion. I seen him on the news.” A third man spoke up, waving an empty glass in Shion’s general direction.

 

“No, it’s Mary…” Shion whispered, trying his best to hide behind Nezumi.

 

“Hell it is!” He slammed his glass down, “He fucked up the correctional facility. Saw him take his shirt off in front of them crowds and Yomin, you know? Fuck all if _that’s_ a virgin. _You’s_ fuckin’ him, aintcha?” He pointed at Nezumi.

 

Nezumi turned to Shion pointedly, “Even people who know me as Eve think I’d be the top. You need to work on your presence.”

 

Shion blushed.

 

“Now, I wonder!” Nezumi called over the murmurs of the men, “Are we welcome here? Or should I take my apparent uke and go?”

 

Silence fell. After a moment, the man in the back spoke up, “Anyone’s welcome here, son. Anyone trying to rebuild their lives since the fall of No. 6, or anyone who’s just got nothing better to do on a night like tonight. Take a seat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nezumi's a bad influence- but so is Shion. Shion's just... a bit more subtle about it.


	6. Conscience doth make cowards

Shion sat down awkwardly behind Nezumi, trying not to make eye contact with the four large men. He was highly uncomfortable, and really kind of wished they were anywhere else.

 

Nezumi, however, seemed perfectly at home. “Thanks a lot. We’re just passing through, actually. He’s from No. 6.”

 

“Don’t tell them…” Shion breathed, finding his voice unable to work.

 

“They know.” Nezumi smirked, “Look at you. They know.” Nezumi adjusted his location so that Shion was in full view of the crowd, “Look at this _hair._ Isn’t it gorgeous?” He grabbed a hold of Shion’s hair. “It’s white, but it’s healthy, so it’s beautiful.”

 

The men stared at Shion. One of them spoke up, “Are you _actually_ a trannie? ‘Cause dotin’ on some guy like that ain’t right.”

 

Nezumi frowned, “Do you honestly care if I’m a guy who dresses like a girl, or a girl who’s dressing like a guy? I’ll answer, but I feel like you’ll shrug and grunt either way. However-” He grinned, “I think the both of us are far too sober. Who wants to have fun?”

 

An other guy shrugged, “I’m down with that. Who’s got stuff?” He slapped his thighs, staring wildly around the table.

 

Shion shuddered. He was definitely not ready for this. “Nezumi, I’m not-”

 

“Sure you are.” Nezumi interrupted him, “No time like now, Shion. If you won’t travel, at least let your mind be free.”

 

“But-”

 

“High class!” one of the men shouted, pointing at another’s hands. The man with the largest beard was holding a spindly glass pipe and a small bag of something that Shion would prefer never to know about.

 

Shion tried again, “I don’t appreciate-”

 

“Oh, _shit.”_ One of the men took a drag on the pipe, “Where’d ya find this stuff, it’s nice!”

 

Shion’s heart rate sped up, and he grabbed onto Nezumi’s sleeve, “Can we please just leave? This is really-”

 

“Shh.” Nezumi shushed him. The pipe was passed to the man sitting next to Nezumi. “Just be in the moment, Shion.”

 

“...Beautiful.” The man next to Nezumi sighed, passing it down. “Have a go, shemale.”

 

“Gladly.” Shion watched in horror as Nezumi brought the pipe to his lips and pulled. “Oh.” Nezumi commented, “That’s interesting. Shion, last chance.”

 

Shion shook his head, leaning away. Nezumi shrugged, and passed it down to the third guy. “How about we just stay here for one hour, then we can go swim like I promised?” Nezumi whispered to Shion.

 

No. Way too long. “Thirty minutes.” Shion countered, trying to look defiant.

 

“Pft.” Nezumi scoffed at him, “Negotiating? Alright, forty-five. Sound good? Maybe that’s long enough for you to get a contact high.”

 

Shion frowned, “Fine. I’m going to _count.”_

 

“Child.” Nezumi laughed, turning back to the center of the circle.

 

Forty-five minutes was longer than Shion thought it was going to be. Around the thirty-five minute mark, he leaned his head on Nezumi’s shoulder, hoping to win some sympathy points. Everything smelled weird, and he was becoming concerned that a contact high would be an actual issue. To his surprise, Nezumi just leaned back against Shion.

 

“Are you ready to go?” He whispered.

 

“Yes, for so long.” Shion complained, a little thrown by the niceness in Nezumi’s voice.

 

“Okay, I’m going to say bye then.” He knotted his fingers in Shion’s hair. “Hey, you guys have been fun, but I have to take this guy somewhere now.”

 

The man next to Nezumi patted his leg, “Okay, Eve. Come see us again!” He leaned in and kissed Nezumi full on the mouth.

 

Shion’s eyes widened in shock before narrowing just as quickly in annoyance.

 

“You made her boyfriend jealous…” Another one called, a bit too loud.

 

“Ah, he’s small, I can take him.” The man who kissed Nezumi grumbled.

 

Smirking, Nezumi stood up, pulling Shion up with him, “Yeah. See you.”

 

That sounded like a lie. Shion felt a little better about that. They walked off, holding hands.

 

“He couldn’t take you.” Nezumi shook his head, “I’ve seen you when you’re angry, the whole country couldn’t take you.” Shion caught a hint of pride in his voice. “You’ll kick an opium circle’s ass defending my honor, won’t you?” Nezumi grinned at Shion.

 

It was Shion’s turn to smirk. Nezumi’s voice sounded so different. “You like them flirting with you.” He said matter of factly.

 

Nezumi sighed, “My lord, he hath importuned me with love in honorable fashion.”

 

Shion almost laughed, “He hath not! He hath drugged you and then suddenly kissed you.”

 

Nezumi shrugged, “I do not know, my lord, what I should think.”

 

Shion steered him in the direction of the lake, _“I_ think that you have of your audience been most free and bounteous.”

 

Nezumi smiled, squeezing his hand, “That was the second fanciest way I’ve ever been called a whore.” He spotted the lake in the distance, and picked up their pace.

 

“I wasn’t calling you a whore.” Shion amended. Then he realized, “Only the second fanciest way?” Shion asked, “Who beat me?”

 

They approached the water’s edge, “The person who named me Eve.” Nezumi pulled off his scarf, laying it out on the floor. He then proceeded to toss the rest of his clothes down on top of it.

 

Shion just stared, holding his jacket around himself tightly.

 

“I thought this was the part you wanted?” Nezumi turned back to him questioningly.

 

“I just…” Shion suddenly felt embarrassed.

 

“Come on. Let’s swim.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shion has literally killed people, you guys. Maybe don't mess with his property.
> 
> Well, we've gotten six chapters of mostly fluff in so far, right? I should probably mess that up pretty soon. See you guys in a couple days again!


	7. Tongue, lose thy light

 

Nezumi pulled Shion’s jacket off him, tossing it on top of his own clothes. “Come on, help a little.” He smirked in success when Shion shyly started unbuttoning his shirt, looking around to make sure no one else could see.

 

A moment later, they were both in the water up to their waists.

 

“Ahh, it’s cold…” Shion moaned.

 

“It’s great, shh…” It actually kind of made Nezumi’s head spin. He felt really good in that moment… _Really_ good. He dove in fully, swimming as far out as he could before he had to take a breath. When he emerged, he was closer to the middle of the lake than he had intended, and Shion was still standing by the shore, squinting at him.

 

“Don’t drown!” He called over the water.

 

“I’m not a baby.” Nezumi shot back, submerging himself again. The water seemed to wrap it’s way lazily through his hair, pulling it gently in every direction. _Ahhhn…_ He mentally moaned as the water pressed against his mouth and nose, searching for a way into his lungs.

 

He stayed under for as long as he could until a hand wrapped around his wrist, pulling him up.

 

“I said don’t drown!” Shion reprimanded, pushing Nezumi’s hair out of his face.

 

Ah, he looked so pretty. His white hair blended seamlessly into little rivulets of water that ran down his face. It looked as if he had come into being just as he was in that moment, sculpted from the water. Nezumi’s hazy gaze focussed in on the bead of water collected at the bottom of Shion’s cold-dyed lips. _Ah- I think I might do something to him._ He mused, still staring.

 

Slowly, Nezumi leaned in and kissed him. It was cold and tasted like lake water. Perfect. He licked the rest of the water off Shions lips, making him open his mouth. _What a nice sharp contrast._ His lips might be cold from the lake water, but inside he was warm. It felt like being wrapped up in a large blanket.

 

“I think this is the first time I’ve really believed you were human, Shion.” Nezumi told him, trying to focus on his eyes.

 

“I’m not.” Shion said, pulling back a little.

 

Wait. What? “What?” Nezumi frowned.

 

Shion just smiled and wrapped his arms around him, “Don’t worry. You’re high.”

 

Annoying. “You are too.”

 

“Am not.” Shion protested.

 

“I spent the entire time we were there making sure you inhaled as much smoke as possible. You’re stoned.” That was true. Maybe this pleasant buzzy feeling had made Nezumi a bit more willing to make contact, but most of that had just been an attempt to get Shion to have some fun.

 

“You’re so mean!” Shion looked horrified.

 

“I have to be. You’re too stubborn.” Nezumi wrapped his arms around him tighter. “Drown with me.”

 

“What?”

 

“Come on. You’ll feel so good, when the water presses in against your lips,” Nezumi kissed him lightly, demonstrating. “Then slowly it seeps into your mouth,” Nezumi kissed him deeper, making him part his lips slightly. “Then finally, in one big burst it fills you up,” Nezumi pushed his tongue past Shion’s lips, pulling him forward by the back of the head, and holding him there. Just before it became too much, he let go, “Until you’re gasping for breath, but all you can do is sink lower and lower until your lungs and stomach and everything is full of water.”

 

Shion shivered, “I don’t want to die.”

 

“Positive?” Nezumi asked, searching his eyes, “Because I’m not certain I believe you.”

 

“I don’t.” Shion protested- but he broke eye contact.

 

_Oh. That’s upsetting._ Nezumi narrowed his eyes, “Prove it.”

 

He pulled Shion underwater, grabbing him around the waist and swimming down, down, as far as he could before Shion started kicking. Nezumi held him tight, opening his eyes and letting the cold water sting. He pulled Shion closer until he could see his face through the blurry surroundings. Shion’s eyes were slammed shut, his cheeks puffed with air as he half-heartedly tried to swim back to the surface. A couple seconds went by, and Shion stopped kicking. He opened his eyes.

 

Something about being underwater seemed to expand time. A second felt like two, then three, then a whole minute had passed before a person could even blink. Nezumi watched something shift in Shion’s eyes. Something went dull. Nezumi let him go, and he stayed, staring. Pink tinged around his nose, spreading under his eyes to his cheeks as he slowly ran out of oxygen. Nezumi’s eyebrows quirked as Shion exhaled slowly, and the two watched the bubbles rise a few feet above them before their underwater vision faded out to zero. The light was low, but their two bodies almost seemed to glow, made pale and near iridescent by the green water. The surface couldn’t have been more than ten feet above their heads, but it seemed more like a mile. What was the point of swimming a mile when you would drown before you made it?

 

Shion’s ears turned pink, and his fingers twitched. Nezumi grabbed his hands, trying to steady them as they shook harder and harder, his muscles beginning to spasm. Half a second- or what felt like an eternity- later, Nezumi saw Shion’s expression shift again. It looked like grief. Like he was mourning his own death before it had even happened.

 

Unacceptable. Shion started sinking lower, more of his breath escaping his lungs, diminishing his buoyancy. Nezumi grabbed his waist harshly, sealing his mouth around Shion’s and forcing air into his lungs. Shion’s hands twitched one more time before he started floating upwards again. Nezumi kicked hard, struggling to follow with his own lungs flattened. Shion broke the surface first, and reached down to pull Nezumi up behind him.

 

The two gasped for air, coughing up water as they struggled to regain their breath. After a minute- which felt like two seconds- Nezumi grabbed Shion’s hand, swimming back to shore. As soon as their feet could touch, they stood.

 

“What happened to you?” Nezumi growled, staring daggers into Shion’s eyes.

 

Shion gasped, still struggling to breathe. After a moment, he shuddered, tears streaming down his face, “I d-don’t want to d-die, I p-promise.” He stuttered, then broke off, turning away and coughing hard, forcing more water out of his lungs.

 

“Don’t promise things you don’t mean, Shion!” Nezumi shouted, shocking the other boy.

 

“I-I… N-Nezumi, I-I… I d-don’t… what do I say?” His voice rose several pitches, panic flooding his features.

 

“What was that, then?” Nezumi panted, feeling light headed from lack of air. “You just gave up!”

 

“Well, w-why would you suggest that in the f-first place?!” Shion righted himself, glaring back.

 

Nezumi frowned, turning away. “Dying is supposed to make you feel alive. When you struggle and succeed, you should be glad for each next breath. You’re not supposed to _want_ it.”

 

Shion’s shoulders drooped, “Y-you were r-right.” He gulped, wiping his eyes with his equally wet hands. “Dying f-felt so good. B-but I didn’t want to st-stop. Nezumi, why don’t I want it to stop?!” His eyes were wide and full of panic.

 

Nezumi remained quiet. What was the point of seeing Shion again if he wasn’t himself? “Okay,” he whispered, taking Shion’s hand gently. “I have an idea.”

 

Shion took a few deep breaths, and calmed down. “What’s that?”

 

“If you like dying so much, let’s do it every day. Every day until I’m gone. I promise you, at the end of all that, you won’t want it to conclude.” Shion’s hands started shaking again in Nezumi’s.

 

“But…” His voice was barely a whisper, “What if I do?”

 

“Then…” Nezumi thought about it, “Then do me one favor.”

 

“Okay.” Shion nodded.

 

“Wait until I’m gone.” Shion’s hands shook harder. “Let me think for two more years that you’re here and okay. I’ll still come back to see you again. And when I do… well, I hope I’m not visiting a gravestone.”

 

Shion shut his eyes, and nodded. “Okay.”

 

“Okay.” Nezumi dropped Shion’s hand, walking the rest of the way back to shore, “I’m glad we have a plan. It’s so difficult to come up with entertainment for company.”

 

Shion followed him, “Y-you know, _you’re_ the company.”

 

“I’m always the company, though.” Nezumi shrugged, “I feel like I should pitch in occasionally.”

 

Shion was quiet as they both pulled back on their clothes. Just as they began to walk back, he spoke again, “So… watching me die is entertainment for you?”

 

“God, no.” Nezumi picked up their pace, “Dying _with_ you, however, sounds amazing.”

 

“Oh.” Shion stepped a little closer, “Good. Because we’ll do it six more times.”

  
Nezumi smiled, “Can’t wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's....... He'll be fine.... :\
> 
> I couldn't decide if this chapter's title implied sadness or sexyness. I believe it accomplished a little bit of both. Sadxyness. Kinda describes the canon pretty well. "A sadxy show about a drag performer and a guy who got stung by a bee. They vandalize a city wall."
> 
> I love that show. <3


	8. To flaming youth

They stood facing Shion’s bed, staring longingly at the fluffy pillows. However, neither of them had thought to change the sheets from earlier.

 

“I’m the company.” Nezumi made his case.

 

“But I thought you were _always_ the company. What happened to pitching in?” Shion countered.

 

“I don’t know where you keep your sheets.” Nezumi argued.

 

“Under the bed. You’re closer and taller.” Shion added.

 

“Taller has nothing to do with it.” Nezumi protested.

 

“No, but sometimes flattery gets me places.” Shion shrugged.

 

“I love you.” Nezumi tried.

 

“No you don’t. Make the bed.” Shion pulled out the sheets, tossing them at Nezumi.

 

Nezumi frowned, and tossed the pillows on the floor. “That was a rather unethical debate. And you _are_ the host.”

 

“I cleaned your room, remember? Your turn.” Shion sat down in a chair, crossing his arms at him.

 

“Like, five years ago.” Nezumi muttered, pulling the old sheets off the mattress.

 

“I thought we were going to let that go?” Shion mocked, watching Nezumi work.

 

“We’re just going to make these dirty again, you know.” He stretched the clean sheets over the mattress.

 

“What makes you think that?” Shion challenged him.

 

“Because you’re turned on by near-death experiences.” Nezumi shrugged.

 

“Am not.” Shion huffed.

 

“The first time I met you, I grabbed you by the throat and you blushed. That same night, I pretended to slit your throat with a spoon and you grinned like a madman.” Nezumi counted on his fingers.

 

“I get it.” Shion muttered.

 

_“And then_ that very same night, you stitched up a bullet hole in my arm with the expression of a child who’s just been awarded a large basket of candy and puppies. _AND THEN-”_ He continued.

 

“I get it!” Shion insisted.

 

“You _actually_ died, and you follow that up by practically proposing to me. What was I supposed to gather from all this?” Nezumi smirked, tossing the pillows and blankets back on the newly re-sheeted bed.

 

“It was _you_ who kissed _me_ after that last one…” Shion complained, standing up.

 

“Okay. It’s fine if you don’t want to have sex, I’ll just go to bed.” Nezumi shrugged, shouldering off his jacket.

 

Shion’s eyes narrowed.

 

Nezumi countered by slowly pulling off his shirt. He raised an eyebrow challengingly.

 

Shion raised his chin a fraction.

 

Nezumi raised the other eyebrow too, unzipping his pants and tossing them on the ground.

 

Shion’s eyebrows contracted, but he didn’t say anything.

 

Nezumi let down his hair.

 

“Dammit…” Shion broke.

 

“Good. Promise you’ll sleep like a baby.” He jumped onto the bed.

 

“Babies don’t sleep well. They’re like you. _You_ sleep like a baby.” Shion tried half-heartedly to argue.

 

“You can just go ahead and shut up.” Nezumi flopped down on the pillows. Man, Shion’s house was nice. His eyes actually started to droop before Shion landed on him.

 

“Do this quickly.” He huffed.

 

“How romantic.” Nezumi drawled, unbuttoning Shion’s shirt for him.

 

“Like Romeo and Juliet.” Shion unzipped his pants.

 

“Hmm.. Wherefore art thou Shion? Or, aren’t thee, in actuality?” He muttered. “Maybe I should name you something else.”

 

“That which we call a rose by any other name…” Shion sighed, straddling Nezumi.

 

“Would still be this new person I see in front of me.” Nezumi agreed.

 

“I’m still me.” Shion whispered, placing his hands on Nezumi’s stomach.

 

“You’re cold.” Nezumi put his hands over Shion’s “You remind me of me.”

 

“Then you should just love me to death.” A blush crept up Shion’s cheeks as he rocked lightly against Nezumi’s hips.

 

“I will.” Nezumi promised, “To death and back again.”

 

A pleased sound escaped Shion’s lips, “Tomorrow, right? Tomorrow you’ll kill me again?”

 

“You _do_ get off on this.” Nezumi accused.

 

Shion blushed harder, “Maybe a little bit.”

 

“The sweet ones have the weirdest kinks.” Nezumi mused.

 

Shion pulled his hair in response.

 

“Aaahhhng… Touché.”

 

Shion pressed his hips harder against Nezumi’s, “When I die, will you sing for me?” He grabbed Nezumi’s hand.

 

“When you really die, I don’t want to be with you. But, if you call for me, I promise I will. Wherever I am.” Nezumi slipped his hand out of Shion’s, uncomfortable with the contact.

 

“Will that work?” Shion bowed his head, panting slightly.

 

“Of course. Hasn’t it always?” Nezumi put his hands on Shion’s hips, liking the small amount of control he seemed to take with the action.

 

“Yeah. It has.” Shion put his hands on top of Nezumi’s, a smile gracing his lips.

 

Nezumi slept pretty well that night. He only woke up once to the sound of footsteps above his head before he remembered that this was an apartment complex, and people lived above. How Shion could possibly relax knowing that he was surrounded in all three dimensions was beyond him. Nezumi prefered to live where there were at least two backup exits per main entrance. That’s why living outside was perfect. One of the only clear memories he had of the Land of Mao was sleeping in these sort of pod-like tents. You slept in the same one as your parents until you stopped breastfeeding- traditionally at about five years old- before you were allowed your own. At that point, you really weren’t supposed to share again until you were fifteen and had started pairing off with various romantic partners, but on cold nights, it was often nice to share your heat with a friend. It was always so warm, and you could stay up all night telling stories and singing lullabies. Sleeping with Shion wrapped up in fluffy blankets felt a lot like that. He had forgotten how nice it was to have someone with you, breathing in rhythm, so full of peace. Without the threat of attack or starvation hanging over their heads, the air seemed heavier, full of some friendly drug that made Nezumi’s eyelids heavy, and his muscles unwind.

 

For a week, this could be okay. Any longer, and that heavy air might start to dull his senses, leaving him helpless.

 

He looked at Shion’s sleeping form, and touched his hair that seemed to glow in the light filtering through the window.

  
“You won’t die, Shion. What you’re feeling now is the desire to wander. How unfortunate that your nature is to stay.” He hummed, twirling a strand of Shion’s hair through his fingers, “I suppose it’s the same with me, in this place. If I were to feel the need for stability, I’m sure it would hurt me like you’re hurting now.” He curled up tighter under the blankets, stretching his toes in the warmth, “If I ever were unlucky enough to fall in love…” His eyes drooped, and he yawned, slipping back into unconsciousness, “I’m sure death would seem to me like the warmth of your _marvelous_ bed here… really, obscenely seductive…” his breath trailed off, and his eyes closed with finality. They would not open again until morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was fun.
> 
> I don't love writing sex scenes, so... this is probably most of what you're gonna get from me.
> 
> Anyway, see y'all later. <3


	9. To-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow

 

Shion woke up an hour before Nezumi did. His heart was beating rapidly, making his toes curl with adrenaline. It didn’t really feel real, their plans for today. He was half-convinced that Nezumi would cancel at the last minute, or that his mother would come dashing in, telling him he had a doctor’s appointment.

 

He didn’t really feel like breakfast, so he just paced around the kitchen, opening the refrigerator occasionally hoping something would suddenly look good. He ended up just grabbing a handful of trail mix that his mom had given him a few weeks ago saying he should try to be more _healthy._ Not that this really helped, the trail mix was almost entirely chocolate chips and oat clusters.

 

Unfortunately, being awake and alone so early forced him to think. He sat down on the couch, flipping on some brightly lit show called “K” and turning on the subtitles so he could mute it. Not that he ended up paying attention, he really just stared hazily at the characters run around and do… something, he wasn’t really sure what was happening.

 

Instead of watch the show, his brain decided to wander, thinking about what Nezumi might have planned for today. _I really didn’t mean for it to go this far._ He didn’t. Being under the water had just felt so… separate. Everything that had glued his feet to the floor was washed away. Maybe if he died enough, the glue would wash away for good. If Nezumi’s life was anything like he had showed that night, then it was something Shion knew he couldn’t handle, but… Wouldn’t it be romantic? To travel the world and meet strange new people, do strange new things, and become a strange new person?

 

It sounded like something out of a book Shion would gladly read. At home. In his own chair in front of the fire. Was Nezumi’s life really like an epic novel? It couldn’t be. Nothing could be so pure. To feel the highest of highs, you must also have to experience the lowest of lows. That was just how nature was balanced. Shion had figured that out long ago. Just in spending one winter with Nezumi, they had both shown their true desires. You could see it in that one little example- that Shion had cleaned Nezumi’s room. His own domestic impulses had overwritten even his most extreme survival instinct.

 

Of course, you could look at it from the other perspective too. Nezumi refused to clean it himself, since he couldn’t see the point in establishing a home when his mind was so preoccupied with his _escape._ Wherever Shion stood, he was convinced he’d be there forever. Anywhere he was spun around and dropped down would eventually feel like home.

 

His bedroom door creaked, opening to reveal Nezumi wearing a pair of soft-looking pants Shion had never seen before. He must have put them on after Shion fell asleep.

 

“I’m hungry.” He announced, padding over to the couch and plopping down. “What’s this show?”

 

“K Project. Muffin.” Shion dropped one of his mom’s famous muffins from a basket on the coffee table in Nezumi’s lap.

 

“Oh, no way. I love these things.” He took a bite and hummed contentedly. “I don’t like this show. The black-haired one pisses me off.”

 

“How come?”

 

“I don’t know. Gut instinct. Change the channel.” He tossed the muffin wrapper on the coffee table and took another large bite.

 

Shion shrugged and hit a button on the remote. He didn’t even bother to look and see what it landed on, he just leaned over onto Nezumi’s shoulder and sighed, “What are we doing today?”

 

“Eager. We’re doing lots of stuff today, and I have no idea what yet, so relax. Have a muffin.” He picked another one out of the basket and handed it to Shion, who took it.

 

“I was just thinking that you seem kind of like an epic journey protagonist.” Shion informed him, relaxing onto Nezumi’s shoulder.

 

“Why would that thought ever cross a person’s mind?” Nezumi frowned through a mouthful of muffin.

 

“I don’t know. You’ve got a Kerouac-esque attitude towards life. I would read about you in a book, probably. I’d think you were such an provocative character.” He felt Nezumi’s shoulder stiffen. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I’m not sure whether to comment on the Kerouac reference, which is actually pretty surprising from you, or to break it to you that regardless of the obvious reading you’ve done, your vocabulary continues to baffle me.” He looked down at Shion with annoyance, “So, that was a very disturbing thing you said on several levels.”

 

Shion frowned, kind of hurt, but at the same time not entirely sure what he did wrong. “Well, what would you rather I say? Mesmerizing? Tantalizing?”

 

Nezumi twitched, “Maybe I’ll just shove this entire muffin down your throat to kill you today.”

 

“That’s boring. You’re more creative than that.” Shion folded his arms and stood up. “Come on, put a shirt on, we’re going out.”

 

Nezumi groaned, stretching as he begrudgingly stood, “Only if you promise to never call me a beatnik again.”

 

“I thought it was kind of a compliment.” Shion shrugged, grabbing his jacket from it’s hook.

 

“Never in my life have I _made a girl in a ten-cent holy motel room,_ and I really don’t intend to start.” Nezumi disappeared briefly into Shions room, returning fully clothed.

 

_I like Kerouac…_ “Yeah, well, at least their language was commonly understandable.”

 

“There are adjectives other than ‘holy,’ ‘mad,’ and ‘angelic!’” Nezumi argued back, pulling on his own jacket.

 

“There are better insults than biting your fucking thumb!” Shion snapped back, opening the door and pulling on his shoes.

 

“None that _you_ can accomplish.” Nezumi scowled, “Those guys were pretentious petty criminals.”

 

Why the hell was he even arguing? He should just stop. “Shakespeare was gay.” Oh well.

 

_“You’re_ gay.” Nezumi shoved him through the door.

 

Shion stumbled out the door, “Gayer than you anyway.”

 

Nezumi looked shocked, “What? No way.”

 

It was a ridiculous argument that lasted way too long, and quickly devolved into name-calling and light shoving. It was apparent to both of them, though neither was willing to say it, that the pointless bickering was their way of mourning. This strange mix of the desire to laugh and the inability not to fight was just a way to conceal yet expel the fact that even though what they were going to do wasn’t meant to be the end, Shion was opting to die, and Nezumi was willing to do it. The fact that it was roleplay wasn’t much of a consolation given that all they were doing was rehearsing for opening night. Shion didn’t really want to think about the show being over, yet the desire to perform was overwhelming.

 

“First thing- we’re leaving the city.” Nezumi informed, dodging a kid on a tricycle. “Too many people who care.”

 

“Okay.” Shion nodded. “So, where will we go?”

 

Nezumi smiled, speeding up a little bit, “The forest. _Way_ out into the forest, so far that the only sounds you can hear are the animals breathing, and the plants shoving through the fallen leaves.”

 

That sounded nice. Somewhere alone, and somewhere Nezumi would feel comfortable. How intimate. “Alright.” A question he was sure he shouldn’t ask itched in the back of Shion’s mind. He asked it anyway, “Do you know what you’ll do to me there?”

 

“Don’t ask questions,” Nezumi snapped, “You’re better than that.”

 

Hmph. Fine, then. “You’re rude, you know.”

 

“I know.” Nezumi stuck his hands in his jacket pockets, “But at least I don’t unnecessarily hide my true intentions like you do. Are you even honest with _yourself,_ Shion? Because you certainly aren’t honest with me.”

 

“You’re the biggest liar I know!” Shion cried back, the pain of Nezumi’s words slashing his eyes like a knife.

 

“Well, that should tell you something, then. I never lie to myself, Shion. Even if I lie to others, I value the truth. If a person doesn’t at least know for themself what the truth is, we might as well be sitting with our thumbs up our asses, grinning at nightmares like everyone else. I would _never_ hide myself from reality.” Nezumi scowled at him, “Reality is the most, beautiful, terrifying, _holy, angelic, madman that ever swirled through this cosmic dust.”_ He smirked, “And I think hiding your eyes from that is weak. I’d rather go blind by staring. Turn here.” They stepped through a gate that lead outside the border.

 

As they walked, Shion felt the ground beneath his feet shift slowly into a choppier texture as they exited the obviously more affluent part of the country.

 

They must have walked for a good hour, because by the end of it, the sun had fully lit the sky, and Shion’s feet killed.

 

“Okay.” Nezumi nodded, glancing around. “We’re here.”

 

Shion frowned. They were standing in a small clearing in the forest, not at all different from any other part of the forest they had already passed. “What… What is this place?”

 

Nezumi closed his eyes, and took off his jacket. “It’s just here. Don’t worry about it.” He took off his shoes too, and let down his hair.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Dressing appropriately,” Nezumi shrugged. “You should too. We’re in the forest, after all. That means the shoes come off.” He nodded at Shion’s feet.

 

“Oh…” Shion didn’t understand it, but he did as he was told.

 

“Good.” Nezumi sat down in front of a tree, staring up into the spidery branches. His eyebrows were lowered in concentration- he sort of looked like he was counting. After a moment, he stood up, and leapt into the tree. Before Shion could really say what was going on, Nezumi was twenty feet high, staring back down at Shion in confusion.

 

“Hurry up!” He called through the branches, scrambling higher.

 

_Is he going to throw me from the top?_ Shion wondered. _That would hurt really bad. Even if I fell feet first, my legs would break, and so would my arms. I’d almost certainly hit my head on the way down, risking concussion. Of course, if I fall even slightly wrong… I could die from up there. I thought he didn’t mean to really kill me._ Shion frowned at the lowest branch, struggling to pull himself up. _Or maybe he’s lying again. Maybe that’s the only reason he came back for me. To alleviate his guilt before he got rid of the problem._ Shion shook his head, clearing the thought. _No way. He may not show it much, but he cares for me. He doesn’t want me dead for  real. He could have just let me drown. Maybe he thinks I can survive from here… Stop thinking about it, you’ll never guess._ Shion set his jaw in determination. _I just have to trust him._

 

Slowly, painfully, Shion managed to reach the branch Nezumi was perched like an owl on.

 

“Oh good, you made it.” Nezumi said, grabbing Shion’s hand to pull him up higher. “Look down.”

 

Shion wished he hadn’t listened. The view of the ground from the tree was sickening. His vertigo-fogged eyes honed in on their shoes, and made him feel sick. Seeing the reference made the height all the more apparent. Maybe that’s why Nezumi had made him take them off.

 

“It’s good up here, right? Trees mean safety, Shion. Every common ape knows that.” Nezumi stared at the ground, looking content.

 

“No, I feel sick.” Shion moaned, wrapping his arms tight around a branch.

 

“Well, if you puke, don’t fall. You might kill yourself. That would take the fun away from later.” Nezumi dangled a bare foot of the branch.

 

“Okay, I’ll try not to.” Shion glared at him, clinging tighter to the branch.

 

They sat in silence for a long moment. Shion slowly relaxed, his brain’s rapid-fire warning of imminent peril dying down until a wonderful calm washed over him. Nezumi was right. There was something calming about being in a tree. When he thought about it, it was almost certainly instinct, since Shion generally hated heights. Maybe it was an ape thing. He’d never realized stronger that that’s what he was. How ridiculous that he should ever worry about anything at all. They were just two _things_ sitting in a tree, because that what their species was supposed to do.

 

“You don’t look quite so green.” Nezumi commented, poking at a leaf.

 

“No, I think I’m starting to feel-”

 

“I was taking to the leaf,” Nezumi interrupted. “It’s dying. No other leaf on this branch is dying, they look pretty healthy at first glance, see?” He pointed at a small branch, the end of which was covered in a fluffy array of bright green leaves.

 

“Yeah.” Shion frowned.

 

“But they can’t be. This tree hasn’t gotten enough water this year, feel how the branch we’re sitting on moves?” He bounced a little. “The whole tree is sick. But all the little leaves look like they’re doing okay. Except this one. Why is that?”

 

Shion was confused. Nezumi sounded like an old grandpa trying to be wise. “No idea.”

 

“Neither do I.” Nezumi shrugged. “I’ll never know for sure, but I can guess. Maybe this particular leaf has a broken vein from the bigger leaves bumping it. Maybe it was born defective from the start. Or,” he took a deep breath, “Maybe some little parasite, some bug, crawled inside somehow, and that left a scar that this leaf can’t heal from.” He looked at Shion pointedly.

 

Shion touched the back of his neck, understanding. “Oh.”

 

“Yeah.” Nezumi continued, “But the question isn’t _why_ this leaf is dying. I’ll never know, and I don’t really care. The question is, what do we do now?” He looked back down at the pale little leaf. “It won’t get better. It’s damaged far beyond repair, anyone can see that. So I could either pick it now and toss it into the wind, or I could leave it alone and see how much longer it can go on it’s own. A minute? A day? A week? I’ve got no idea.” He looked back to Shion, his eyes bright. “Those are my only options, aren’t they, Shion?”

 

Shion’s throat felt tight, “That- that… Yeah. It looks like it.”

 

“If I pick it now, that’s the end. No more struggle for the little leaf. Option A. Or,” He swung his dangling leg in the air. “With option B, if I leave it alone, that gives me two options, doesn’t it?”

 

_Does it?_ Shion wondered, “Um… does it?”

 

“Yeah. See, this is my favorite tree. This particular spot in the forest is a place I visited as a child. I wasn’t supposed to, of course, it was outside the Land of Mao. It’s full of dangerous animals and terrain. Naturally, I came here as much as I could. This tree isn’t part of the land I was born to, but I watched it from my own birth anyway. If I take a leaf off of my favorite tree, not only am I hurting the leaf, I’m hurting the tree that depends on it. But that’s not the point either. Even if you disregard the well being of the tree, and the well being of the other leaves around this one, there are still only two options if I choose to let this leaf continue. What are they?” He looked at Shion expectantly.

 

_How the hell should I know?_ Shion grumbled internally. _Just one leaf won’t hurt the tree anyway, so it doesn’t matter._ “I don’t know, whether or not the leaf falls or flies?”

 

Nezumi frowned, thinking on that. “Huh. Well, I guess that’s always something to consider. But it doesn’t really bother me what happens to the leaf after it dies at all. It’s just one leaf, after all.”

 

“Oh.” Shion’s shoulders drooped.

 

“The options are: stay and watch, or leave and ignore.” His jaw clenched, “This leaf’s gonna fall either way, Shion. Thing is, now I’ve thought about it. I’ve looked at this leaf and seen it’s individuality. That’s what makes it different from the other leaves to me. I sorta feel like I know it now. I noticed weird stuff like the yellow spot it has near the stem, or the crinkle in the vein pattern near the center. If I watch it fall, I’ll feel like I’m watching something end. I hate that. Then again, if I leave, I’ll always have that nagging doubt. I’ll wonder if maybe, just maybe the leaf overcame this clearly terminal affliction and lived out its life. I’ll never know. I can’t have that either.”

 

Shion felt a weight being pressed between his shoulderblades. “So, there’s no third option?”

 

“I was hoping you could think of one.” Nezumi shrugged, “You’ve done it before.”

 

Shion shook his head. “No. Between the ape and the leaf, there is no third option.”

 

“I thought so.” He sounded disappointed anyway.

 

“But that’s not us at all.” Shion continued, a spark of morbid inspiration flashing inside him.

 

“Okay, fine. Between you and me, what’s the third option?” His voice dripped with skepticism.

 

“You could die first.”

 

Nezumi was silent for a long moment before- “That’s ridiculous.”

 

“Not really.” Shion muttered. “You have as many scars as I do.”

 

Nezumi’s eyebrows drew together. He looked pissed off. “Then this one is me.” He pointed to another leaf, dark green and healthy, but covered in yellow stripes and brown spots. “I’m exactly the opposite. This one looks way more broken than the other, but it’s so much stronger. How do you expect this one to fall first?”

 

Shion suddenly felt like laughing. He had no idea where the impulse came from, but he found it impossible to control. He laughed out loud until his sides ached and he worried he might fall from the branch. “Obvious!” He reached over and promptly plucked the spotted leaf, tossing it to the ground.

 

Nezumi looked appalled. “That’s not fair.”

 

“Why not? You were thinking about killing the other one!” Shion glared at him, tears stinging his eyes, even though he still felt like laughing.

 

“Because… That’s not… I would never let that happen.” He glared back with equal intensity.

 

“Doesn’t matter what you think. You’re just a leaf. I’m an ape,” he pounded his fists on his chest. “Option C.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn dirty apes.


	10. Who doth not look for night?

Nezumi stared at him for a long moment in disbelief. Who was this person he was looking at? His Shion would never even think to do such a thing. His Shion may beg for death, but would never truly embrace it. Could so much really change in just five years? He felt the color drain from his cheeks, and he felt a little sick. “I… We’re getting down now.” His head was spinning.

 

Shion glared at him, “I thought you _wanted_ me to look out for myself, Nezumi? What happened to putting yourself above all others?”

 

Wrong. So very wrong. Nezumi lowered himself down through the branches in a daze. This shouldn’t affect him as much as it did. He told himself that over and over, trying to calm the nauseous feeling in his gut.

 

“I thought this was all just a game! If you die first, doesn’t that mean I _win?”_ Shion spat, climbing down after him.

 

_WRONG._

 

“I can beat you, I know it! I’ll prove to you how good it is to die, and I’ll make you crack first. I bet I can make it taste like freedom!” Shion laughed, tears streaming down his face as he joined Nezumi on the ground. “That’s what you want, isn’t it? What could possibly be free-er?”

 

Fury shook Nezumi’s limbs, curling his hands into fists. Before he knew what he was doing, he punched Shion in the face. Hard.

 

“AGH!” Shion screamed, stumbling away, “What the hell?!”

 

_“Who are you?”_ Nezumi yelled back. _“What happened to you?”_

 

Shin stopped crying. His expression relaxed. “What did you think was going to happen? I stayed. I stayed and waited in my fear that you were dead. I stayed and waited in crippling self-doubt. I thought you had forgotten me. I thought you had met someone better, someone who could hold your attention better than I could.”

 

Shion’s blank expression was worse than the crying by far.

 

“I know you don’t love me. I don’t expect you to. But the thing that really hurt was the idea of you finding someone you _could_ love. Because that would mean that it was _me_ who wasn’t good enough. Not you. And that’s _exactly_ what I thought when you didn’t return.”

 

Now Nezumi _really_ felt sick. He clamped a hand over his mouth and fell to his knees. He had never meant to do this to Shion. Five years ago… he had tried so hard. He thought it was enough that he kissed him and promised to come back. It was more than he’d ever done for anyone. It had almost felt oppressive to do something like that. Like maybe his promise and his kiss had been too much- more than Shion had expected or wanted. Now this not-Shion was making him _doubt_ himself. How dare he? He swallowed roughly, doing his best to glare up at Shion, “I’ll kill you.”

 

“Dare you.” Shion mocked, a note of sadness crossing his otherwise blank expression.

 

Hatred flared in Nezumi’s chest. He had expected that to happen eventually. Just, he had thought it would have happened back during that winter five years ago. It had never occurred to him that he would feel hatred towards Shion _now._ “I won’t die first. I don’t want to die at all.”

 

Shion smiled sadly, “Maybe that’s your problem. You have something to lose. How unfortunate. I don’t even care if I lose my own life.” He walked forward, holding out his hand to Nezumi. “Stand up. We have things to do today.”

 

Sudden mistrust prevented Nezumi from taking Shion’s hand. He stood on his own. “I think you’ll like the next activity.”

 

Shion dropped his outstretched hand, “Okay.”

 

Nezumi walked onward, leading the way. It wasn’t far from here, just hidden.

 

Shion was quiet for a while as he followed. When he spoke, his voice sounded more like himself. “You know,” He began softly, “I would never hurt you. You don’t need to be afraid of me.”

 

Nezumi couldn’t meet his eyes. He stopped, reaching the place. “I know. I could hurt you, though.”

 

Shion nodded, “I know.” He reached out for Nezumi’s hand, gripping it tightly. “I still love you.”

 

Nezumi nodded back, “I know.” He took a deep breath, gesturing to what looked like a large patch of mud in front of them, “Don’t struggle.”

 

Shion frowned, “What is this?”

 

“Not too far off from drowning. This is sinking.” He had stumbled upon this place several years ago, and had watched a fawn slowly sink and drown in the pit. It had momentarily bothered him that he didn’t want to help it, thinking that that’s what Shion would have done had he been there. But Shion hadn’t been there, so Nezumi shook it off quickly.

 

When Nezumi finally chanced a look at Shion’s face, he noted the slight flush on his cheeks. He was _excited._

 

“That’s amazing,” Shion breathed. “Will it work?”

 

“Yeah.” Nezumi nodded, “And you’ll have plenty of time to think about what you’re doing before you’re pulled under.”

 

A small sound of joy escaped Shion’s throat, “Good. Walk in with me.” He pulled Nezumi forward before dropping his hand to remove his clothes as an afterthought. “Right… I got ahead of myself.”

 

Nezumi undressed solemnly. Shion’s flushed expression made him feel like they were about to do something dirty- well, sexual, not just muddy. He was still wary, that spark of hatred refusing to die down completely. Maybe it wouldn’t ever, now that it had ignited.

 

They stepped forward into the pit together. Shion grabbed Nezumi’s shoulders to steady himself as he quickly sunk down to his ankles. They took a few steps further in, submerging themselves up to their calves. The floor of the pit felt sticky, like a bunch of tiny suction cups slowly pulling them downwards. It made Nezumi feel heavy.

 

Shion’s eyes were wide and sparkling. He didn’t even seem embarrassed to be naked like he usually was. He sighed, “It feels like someone’s trying to pull me down to meet them. Or maybe like I’ll just pop out on the other side, like Through the Looking Glass.”

 

Like Alice. It fit him. A perfect but curious little girl in a perfect but stationary little home- until she follows the white rabbit into an extraordinary new reality. Or, in Shion’s case, he had followed a black rat. “I think you’re shrinking, Alice.” Nezumi commented. They had both sunk up to their mid-thighs, movement and balance becoming an issue.

 

“I think you are too, Eve.” Shion smiled, trying not to fall over by gripping Nezumi’s shoulders tighter, “How do we get out?”

 

“We don’t.” Nezumi raised an eyebrow, “This is where you die, remember?”

 

Shion closed his eyes, smiling, “Yeah, right.” He left his eyes closed as they slowly sank up to their hips. Shion shuddered as his pelvis was submerged.

 

Nezumi smirked, “Aw, is someone a little turned on?”

 

“No!” Shion shot at him, although his flushed cheeks betrayed the truth. “It’s just cold.”

 

“You’re blushing.” Nezumi pointed out.

 

“No I’m not…” Shion muttered, blushing harder.

 

Nezumi reached out to run his hand down the scar on Shion’s chest. Shion responded perfectly, closing his eyes again and leaning forward minutely.

 

“Pft, liar.” Nezumi shoved him away.

 

Shion stumbled and fell over, landing with a splash in the mud. His shoulders went under, and terror shot across his face as he struggled to stand again. His arms were pulled into the ground beneath him, and he choked on the layer of water above the mud.

 

“Oh no,” Nezumi drawled sarcastically, “Shion. Don’t die. I love you.”

 

Shion’s red eyes flared with anger at the last three words, and he wrenched his arms out of the muck with a sudden strength before throwing his entire body weight against Nezumi, knocking him over, and completely immersing him in the muddy water.

 

Nezumi emerged, gasping. Carefully, he pulled his hands out of the dangerous layer of mud and stood up.

 

“You’re horrible!” Shion screamed, “How could you?!”

 

Nezumi spat muddy water out of his mouth in disgust, “Shit, I know there’s supposed to be healthy minerals in muddy water, but it tastes like the sewers.”

 

Shion growled at him, “I hope you die here!”

 

Nezumi rolled his eyes, “No you don’t. You love me.”

 

Shion’s expression crumbled, “But I- But you don’t-…” He clenched his fists at his sides like a child. “I’m starting to think that was a mistake.”

 

“What, falling in love?” Nezumi shrugged, “You couldn’t help it. Everyone I meet falls in love with me.” This was more normal. This is how Nezumi felt comfortable.

 

Shion just nodded. “Right. Of course they do. How could they not?” His voice shook with suppressed anger.

 

Nezumi shrugged it off and glanced down. They had sunk past their waists, so their center of gravity was now below the mud. Adrenaline kicked in. “Shion,” Nezumi warned him, “Don’t fight right now. We’ve sunk too far.”

 

“What?” Shion looked shocked. He glanced down too, eyes widening in horror and… lust? Damn, he really did have a problem.

 

“You need to decide now.” Nezumi warned as he sank up to his chest. “Are you going to fight for your life, or are you going to wait here and die?”

 

Shion just looked dazed.

 

“Shion!” Nezumi shouted at him. His voice was getting hoarse from all the yelling. “Fight or die?”

 

Shion wrapped his arms around Nezumi’s shoulders, “Die with me.”

 

Pathetic. The top watery layer of the pit crept slowly towards Nezumi’s collar bone. He had to do something. With a flash of inspiration, he pulled Shion off of him and shoved his head under the water.

 

Shion’s instincts kicked in instantly. He thrashed and struggled, trying to get away. “Fight or die, Shion!” Nezumi called down to him.

 

Bubbles burst at the surface. Soon he’d run out of air. Shion wrapped his hands around Nezumi’s wrist, trying to get rid of the hand that was holding him under. Nezumi added his left hand in, holding tighter.

 

More bubbles breached the surface, and Shion’s body jolted. Nezumi put a hand on his back, gauging his breath and trying to calm him as his kicks got weaker. Something had to snap either way.

 

Nezumi felt Shion’s shoulders jump one- two- three times before he started convulsing. _Fine, then._ Nezumi wrenched him up from beneath the water, tossing him over his shoulder before reaching down to gently free his legs from the muck.

 

The key was moving slowly. Nezumi walked through the mud at a snail’s pace while Shion choked, chest shuddering on his shoulder.

 

“You’re pathetic, Shion.” Nezumi told him as they approached solid ground. “You act like you want to compete with me, but that half-assed attempt at survival says it all. You’re weak. All you care about is ending your own boredom. Are you really such a spoiled child that you need to have even your own death done for you? Pick a side. Either kill yourself and put the both of us out of our misery, or fight with everything you have to survive for just one more day.” He tossed Shion on the ground with much more force than strictly necessary.

 

Shion’s eyes were wide with terror as he struggled for breath. His lips were blue, and purple stained under his eyes.

 

Nezumi scoffed, “Oh, come on. You can’t even _breathe_ on your own? Even babies can do that.” He carefully and painfully removed himself from the mud. It took every bit of strength he had, and it left him panting as he crawled up on the shore.

 

Shion gagged, eyes widening to circles. His lungs couldn’t seem to decide whether he needed to take air in or force water out.

 

“Pitiful.” Nezumi spat, helping the shaking Shion up to his knees.

 

With gravity on his side, Shion coughed up more water, yet still shook with the effort it took to take just one breath.

 

Nezumi scowled, “Can you fight for yourself now, Shion? Can you manage to survive on your own?”

 

Every muscle in Shion’s body was spasming. It was a wonder he was still on all fours.

 

Nezumi rolled his eyes, “Tell me and I’ll help you. I won’t help unless you ask.” Honestly, Nezumi was worried. He didn’t want Shion to die here, and he clearly couldn’t make it much longer in this state. The only thing preventing him from saving Shion now was the fear that he’d have to do it again. Maybe if enough adrenaline pumped through Shion’s system, he’d be able to fight for himself next time. “Tell me, Shion!” Nezumi yelled when Shion didn’t make any move for assistance.

 

Finally, Shion reached out a shaking hand and managed to grab Nezumi’s elbow.

 

Good. That was enough. Nezumi wrapped one arm around Shion’s waist, just below his ribs. With his other hand, he pulled open Shion’s mouth and stuck his fingers down his throat.

 

Shion gagged and choked, bringing up copious amounts of muddy water as his throat fought to expel Nezumi’s fingers.

 

Nezumi took his hand out of Shion mouth, and brought it to his chest to support Shion’s weight as he coughed and gagged more, his lungs finding a rhythm.

 

For a solid five minutes, they sat in that position, Shion slowly figuring out how to breathe again. Finally, with one shuddering breath, he pulled himself up to his knees, only to collapse onto Nezumi’s lap. He still looked green.

 

“All better?” Nezumi turned Shion to the side so he wouldn’t end up choking again.

 

Shion’s voice was weak and hoarse, “You could have just given me mouth-to-mouth… Much more romantic.”

 

Nezumi shrugged, “You weren’t really drowning that bad. It was mostly the panic attack stopping you from coughing up the water in your lungs.”

 

Shion took another deep breath, letting it go with a sigh, “I wasn’t ‘really drowning that bad...’ You suck.”

 

“I needed to do something to override your system. Also to get all that water out of you. Not healthy.” Nezumi explained.

 

“So you made me throw it up.” Shion shuddered, “Lovely.”

 

“It worked.” Nezumi defended himself. “You aren’t dead, are you?”

 

“No,” Shion agreed. “Let’s go home. I just want to shower and spend the rest of the night in our room.”

 

Nezumi stiffened, _“Your_ room.” He corrected compulsively.

 

Shion gingerly pushed himself up into a sitting position, “I don’t want to go home to _my_ room, though. That means you’re not with me.”

 

Nezumi stood, feeling highly uncomfortable, “I’m not staying for long, Shion. I won’t _ever_ stay for long.”

 

Shion blinked harshly, like he was trying not to cry. “I know. Just let me pretend, okay?” He climbed shakily to his feet.

 

Nezumi fought the urge to sigh. He really did feel bad for Shion, but he hated pretending other lives for himself. It was one thing on stage, but… It was unhealthy to fantasize about a different version of you. That meant somewhere along the line you’d failed, and that you’d given up on trying to make something you wanted a reality. It was better to set your sights on things you could have. Things that were in reality. He pulled back his shoulders. Fine, if Shion wanted to play house for a week, he could do it on his own. Nezumi didn’t have to accept his fantasy. “Okay. Pretend, then. I don’t care what you think.”

  
Shion nodded, still blinking back tears. Putting on a fake smile, he reached for Nezumi’s hand. Giving in, Nezumi took it, attempting to support some of Shion’s weight as they slowly set off towards home. No- towards _Shion’s_ home.


	11. Take him for all in all

Shion slept hard. He didn’t even notice when Nezumi slipped away in the middle of the night, returning just before dawn.

 

“You look tired.” Shion commented over breakfast.

 

“Yeah. That’s normal.” Nezumi shrugged.

 

“Mm. Just- you’re not worried, are you? About me?” Shion asked nervously, drumming his fingers on the table.

 

Nezumi scoffed, “About you? Of course not. What good would worrying about you do, Shion? You’re an adult now, worry about yourself.”

 

“Right.” Shion nodded, scraping the last bit of milk and cereal from his bowl and sucking on the spoon thoughtfully. “Just that, I know you at least aren’t _apathetic_ since you’re doing all this to begin with, so…”

 

Nezumi scowled, “Of course I’m not apathetic, what do you take me for? All I’m saying is that I’m a realist. If you’re gonna die, then you’re gonna die. I won’t let it ruin my own life if you do, though. I have better things to do.”

 

“Oh.” Shion stood up to put his bowl in the sink, “Okay. It’s not healthy not to sleep, though. The average person your age needs about nine hours of sleep every night. Even if you’re _way_ off average, the minimum acceptable is five hours. I slept for seven, so-”

 

“I’m fine.” Nezumi insisted, “I sleep enough. You sound like your mother.”

 

Shion shrugged, “That’s only to be expected. She _did_ raise me.”

 

“You’re annoying.” Nezumi huffed. “Let’s stay in today.”

 

Shion frowned, “Really? But how-”

 

“We’ll still do the thing, don’t worry. I wanna watch Death Note.” Nezumi set his dishes by the sink and flopped down on the couch. “TV is sinfully fun. I don’t know if I’m angry or thankful to you for bringing it back, Shion. All these old shows… At least it means the airwaves aren’t censored anymore.” He clicked on the television, flipping through a list of recorded shows.

 

Shion sat down next to him, “Your brain is going to melt. Too much TV is bad for you.”

 

“Bullshit.” Nezumi laughed, “It’s no different from reading books so long as you don’t just zone out.”

 

“Whatever.” Shion leaned over onto Nezumi’s shoulder, “It’s fine for now.”

 

Nezumi watched Shion more than the actual show. He was wondering how best to tell him about today’s, ah… activity.

 

“Shion.” He began.

 

“Hmm…?” Shion was staring dazedly at the screen.

 

“Have you ever wondered why some people see heaven before they die?”

 

“Hmm… See, I never really asked them.”

 

“Cute. But think about it- those that either are saved or are brought back, so many talk about meeting god. _Their_ god. How come no one ever comes back having changed their beliefs? If I died, and I saw someone else’s god, that’s then what I would believe, due to the evidence of my own eyes. So how come everyone always sees their own version of heaven? They see Shiva or Mohammed or whatever their deal is.”

 

Shion frowned, “I’ve never thought about it. I guess they see what they expect to see. There are a lot of hormones and other chemicals being released in the brain during the dying process. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism? Or… some reaction to the flurry of conflicting signals in their dying brains that makes them see things?”

 

Nezumi nodded, “Yeah, something like that. Of course, there’s one chemical in particular that gives the feeling of religious bliss. It’s called DMT.”

 

Shion nodded, thinking. “Okay. So, is that what we’re doing today? Drugs? Again?”

 

“Again? You didn’t the first time. And, yeah, that’s what we’re doing. This is the one aspect of death you haven’t experienced yet. I figured we should try it. It’s not exactly dying, since it isn’t dangerous and you won’t OD, but I figure it’s just as close to actual death as everything else we’ve been doing, so…” _Shut the hell up._ Nezumi reprimanded himself. _What are you even trying to impress him for anyway? It’s Shion, something like this is so completely out of character for him to do that he’ll be freaked out regardless of the actual danger._

 

“Okay… You sure it’s safe?” He looked nervous.

 

_See?_ “No.” Nezumi lied, “But you’re doing it anyway.”

 

“Hmm…” Shion looked uncertain.

 

Nezumi shrugged, “Too late anyway. I drugged your milk.”

 

“You’re kidding!” Shion gasped, horrified.

 

“Nope. It’s been about…” Nezumi glanced at the clock on the microwave, “Twelve minutes? Any moment now.”

 

“Oh my god…” Shion covered his face.

 

“Yeah, probably. Anyone else’s god would be cause for further study.” Nezumi pulled his feet up on the couch, kissing Shion gently on the cheek, “But I wouldn’t worry about it. Whatever will be, will be.”

 

Shion lied down with his head on Nezumi’s lap. “I’m gonna die…”

 

“Hmm…” Nezumi hummed, stroking Shion’s hair. “Maybe.” He already felt a sort of tingle around the top of his own head. The TV screen looked like a fishbowl, so Nezumi switched it off, feeling uncomfortable. “I’ll sing for you, Shion, when you do die. _Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be…”_

 

Shion relaxed, balling up the fabric of Nezumi’s pants in his fist. “Pretty…”

  
_This is definitely going to be fun to watch._


	12. Never doubt I love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doubt thou the stars are fire;  
> Doubt that the sun doth move;  
> Doubt truth to be a liar;  
> But never doubt I love.
> 
> 'Hamlet' 2.2

Shion felt like crying. The world was beautiful and bright, full of safety and love, and there was _purpose._ He had never felt it so strongly before. “N-nezumi…” His voice shook as his heart swelled, “I understand everything.”

 

Nezumi didn’t say anything. He had his hands tangled in Shion’s hair, and his face held the expression of someone who was seeing the sun for the first time in years.

 

“You were right.” Shion continued, “I think I can see heaven.”

 

“God, you’re so beautiful…” Nezumi muttered, ignoring him.

 

“When we go to heaven, do we get to stay together? We get to, right?” Shion was suddenly gravely concerned about this. “I don’t want to go to heaven without you! I just want to be with you forever!” His eyes filled with tears as his emotions overcame him.

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll die before you, Shion. You won’t have to be alone.” Nezumi hummed under his breath, so soft Shion almost didn’t hear it.

 

_“What?”_ A flood of panic hit him, “Why are you dying before me? I don’t want to be down here alone either!”

 

“I’ll probably be killed someday, you know. I’m gonna fight with everything I have, but… I don’t know. I just realized it, I think. I’m going to die, and I don’t think it’s going to be peaceful.” He shut his eyes, “I think I’ll go out in a blaze of anger and ego. Thinking I can fight forever. I think I’ll die staining metal with my blood, or my eyes spotted red with someone’s hands on my throat.” He smiled, opening tear-filled eyes. “And since I’m going to save you here, I’ll probably go before you.”

 

“You can’t!” Shion sobbed, confusing sadness dripping from his incredible elation. “I won’t let you go. You have to stay with me forever.” His head buzzed, he could feel a warm light hit him from above and he begged to the gods he knew were listening in that moment, “You can’t let him leave me again! Please, do this for me…” He wrapped his arms around Nezumi’s shoulders, sobbing brokenly and he still felt so happy. The room spun, and he gripped Nezumi tighter.

 

“I never… I never thought I’d be this old. I made it to _twenty one,_ Shion. I thought I’d die when I was ten in that fire, then when I was twelve in No. 6, then when I was sixteen at the Correctional Facility. Between all that, I thought I’d die of starvation, or disease, or that I’d be killed by some stalker… Since I was ten years old I never thought I’d live to see the next year. But I _did._ I always did. When do you think my luck will finally run out?” His eyes shone with reverence rather than fear. The golden light of the room struck them in such a way that they looked silver, sparkling metallic and cold against all the warmth that stretched through Shion’s body down to his toes.

 

Shion cried, “Who’s going to sing for me? Who will sing ever again without you here?”

 

“There’s always music.” Nezumi insisted firmly, “As long as humans walk the Earth, there will always be someone to sing.”

 

Shion wiped his eyes, sitting up carefully. The room spun and the ceiling seemed fractured, as if any moment the heavens might split open, lifting him away into the light. Deep in his heart, Shion knew. Heaven was here, and it was waiting for him. He sighed, “Tell me you love me.”

 

“I can’t.” Nezumi looked away, “I respect you too much.”

 

“Please… Just lie to me. I just want to hear it.” The tears sprung back into Shion’s eyes, threatening to overflow yet again. Startled, he noticed Nezumi holding back tears himself. How unusual. What was this drug doing to them?

 

“I’ve said it before…” Nezumi pointed out.

 

“You were _lying.”_ Shion protested. Wait. “No, you were _joking._ That’s so much worse. Can’t you… Can’t you just _act_ for me? Before I die.” His throat tightened, “I love you so much it hurts. All I want is for you to say it back.”

 

Nezumi took a shuddering breath, finally letting himself cry. “Are you sure that’s what you want?” His voice was weak.

 

“More than anything.” Shion took his hand. “Please.”

 

Nezumi blinked, gripping Shion’s hand tightly. He turned wide grey eyes on Shion and took a deep breath. “You scare me. You confuse me and throw me off balance again and again. Your very existence is my greatest conundrum. How could something so pure come from something so evil? Can evil be truly evil if something like you is a part of it? So I hated you and I envied you, all the while laughing with you and dancing with you. I respected you and I pitied you, all the while maintaining my distance and using you. The premise of your person is being both things at once. You were a naive genius. You were a humanitarian murderer. You were inside the wall _and_ outside it. You were all these things combined, and thus embodied none of them. Shion, _you_ are the third option. That’s beautiful to me, and at the same time I’m disgusted. You’re an abomination to my eyes, a corruption of my own moral clarity. So, the only way I can say it properly… I fiercely hate you, but at the same, I desperately love you.”

 

Shion stopped breathing. His heart shuddered to a stop. _This is it. This is death. It’s beautiful._ His senses were evaporating one by one- the room glowing brighter until it was pure white, sound becoming mute to his ears. Gravity must have disappeared, because suddenly he was floating and all Shion could feel was the intense pressure behind his eyes. He wasn’t sure if he was crying or screaming, but either way it was elation and agony because everything he had waited for so many years to hear had been said, and it was all such a wonderful lie.

 

Suddenly, his heart thumped back to life, and Nezumi’s hands were on Shion’s cheeks because they were kissing. That simple gesture that they had performed so many times before stung like a wasp because for the first time, Shion couldn’t feel anything behind it. It wasn’t a lie, and it wasn’t a sentiment. It was… an act. Of course it was. That’s what Shion had asked for.

 

Nezumi broke away, and Shion’s mind crackled back into clarity.

 

“There are always ways. Everything you want, even death, can be found in life.” Nezumi broke eye contact, “But once you’ve died for good, there’s nothing left to be found. Death is an unbreakable promise of absolution. If you’ve chosen death, you’ve decided that nothing else will be experienced. Maybe that’s good. Maybe what’s ahead is nothing but pain and misery, and the choice you make is one of salvation. Or, maybe it’s not. Even if the good never outweighs the bad, all the horror could be interesting to look at, could it not? Especially for someone as morbid as you.”

  
Shion nodded dully. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year.


	13. Angels sing thee to thy rest

 

Nezumi was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands while Shion cooked scrambled eggs. And egg drop soup. And egg salad. Whatever his deal was, he was clearly craving eggs, and Nezumi wasn’t about to stop him if it meant standing up.

 

He wished he could forget what he had said to Shion… That whole speech he had made saying “I love you.” Ugh… _Of course, I was lying to him._ He told himself firmly, _I could have been slightly less convincing, though…_

 

“I liked that one.” Shion smiled from the kitchen, “Most of the good part, and nothing hurt. No adrenaline rush, though.” He hummed to himself.

 

“You’re perky.” Nezumi scowled, “Stop it.”

 

“No. You’re a bummer. Stop that.” Shion set a knife down with a clatter.

 

“We just died, right? Not everyone can go right back to being a… a…” He searched for the right word, “a _Shion.”_

 

“Shion can.” Shion mumbled, putting things on plates. “And I’m _hungry.”_

 

Nezumi rolled his eyes, “I can tell.”

 

“Hmm, we need coffee too, I’ll-”

 

There was a knock at the door. Nezumi jumped, glaring at the door in anticipation. Shion smiled, wiping his hands and going to answer it.

 

“Who is it?” He sang, looking through the peep-hole.

 

“Is… I’m sorry, I’m bad with directions.” A nervous-sounding female voice floated through the door. “Is this Shion’s home? Head of the Reconstruction Team?”

 

“Don’t answer.” Nezumi warned, feeling uneasy.

 

“Oh, come on. This is No. 6. It’s normal to answer the door here.” Although, Nezumi noticed a flash of nerves in his eyes. Just for a moment.

 

“Ah, I just had a question, I’m sorry, I should come back later. I’m sure this is a bad time.” She giggled awkwardly.

 

“Ah, no, it’s fine.” Shion opened the door.

 

A young girl of maybe twenty stood bashfully, holding tightly to the string of her purse. “It’s just… I heard a rumour that you spent time living in West Block? I’m afraid… well, your lingering connections.” She blushed.

 

“Huh?” Shion frowned, “Maybe you should come in.”

 

Nezumi eyed her warily from his spot on the couch. Shion seemed to be doing the same.

 

“What do you mean connections with West Block?” Nezumi spoke up, “He hasn’t lived there in years.”

 

The girl shot him a look, “Ah.” She nodded, unzipping her purse, “I thought I smelled a rat.”

 

Nezumi shot up, and Shion stumbled backwards.

 

“Who are you?” Nezumi scowled at her, grabbing a poker from the fireplace.

 

“My name is Yelena. Oh, please put that down, it makes me nervous.” She gestured at Nezumi’s makeshift weapon. She sighed, “I figured you were lying about cutting ties with Shion. My brother may have believed you… He’s an idiot. Anyway, should I return to my family with-” She pulled out a camera and took a picture of Nezumi, then one of Shion, “-these pictures, your two-year contract with our group will be terminated. You could live a nice little domestic life with this _adorable_ little diplomat you found. He’s so shiny, I love him. Where’d you get him? I’d love one in blue… Of course, they’d never let you live, since you know where we’re going.”

 

Nezumi frowned in confusion, “I could just break your camera. Or kill you. So you have weapons, right? Where are they?” he eyed her purse.

 

“Oh, this?” She held up the bag, “Oh, no. How archaic. Here,” she tossed the bag on the ground, “keep it. It’s not even mine. You insult my intelligence. I don’t think I’ll explain it now.” She took a step towards the door. “Also, I want to apologize in advance for my inconsiderate actions. I didn’t mean to dredge up your past, Nezumi.” She walked out the door, closing it behind her.

 

“Shion…” Nezumi whispered, “She’s done something.”

 

“Your past…” Shin whispered, bending his knees as he got ready to run at any moment. “Nezumi… We’re going to burn.”

 

There was a loud rumble, followed by a high-pitched hiss before the vents burst open, spitting fire down into the room.

 

Nezumi dropped to the floor, scrambling forward towards the door. Shion was doing the same. His heart was in his mouth, and he thought it might choke him. He reached out for the door handle just as a searing pain crawled up his legs.

 

His clothes were burning, charring away as he watched, horrified. Shion screamed from behind him, and there was nothing Nezumi could do to help. He felt his heart shudder to a stop.

 

“Nezumi!” Shion cried, “Help!”

 

_I…_ Tears sprung to Nezumi’s eyes and evaporated instantly. Smoke was forcing it’s way down his throat, and the room was dancing with shadow and red light.

 

_So… Where is he?_ That thought raced through Nezumi’s mind again and again. _Where is he? Where is he?_ The man who would carry him from the flames, where had he gone? Why wasn’t he doing his job? Nezumi gasped as his vocal chords were scalded by smoke. Coughing and coughing did nothing to help, yet his lungs continued to respirate the thick black air desperately, not understanding how this could possibly be happening again.

 

Something heavy slammed against his back, and his body went numb. Stinging eyes struggling to remain open, Nezumi felt someone’s hand in his hair. _Oh… He’s here._

 

So, the man must have come. Nezumi was glad he’d kept his faith. His head spun, But Nezumi managed to force his eyes open long enough to see the thick black hair and gray eyes of his savior. Suddenly, he was back in the forest. His ears were ringing painfully, and people in shining armor were watering the trees with fire from jars. He reached a disjointed hand up to touch the man’s face. He would die here, Nezumi knew. Lungs expelling what could have been gallons of sickly black fluid. Next an old woman with white hair would pick him up. _Right on time…_ Nezumi saw a flash of white.

 

“Take my sister too…” He commanded, gesturing vaguely to the burned down home he had been born in.

 

Someone grabbed his hand.

 

Someone doused him in water.

 

Someone screamed, _“Shion!”_

 

Oh no- that part didn’t happen yet. There were so many horrors to come before the pendulum could swing, before Shion would appear.

 

Someone screamed, _“Shion!”_

 

Someone’s hand was forcing its way down his throat, clawing at his lungs from the inside.

 

Nezumi wanted to cry, it was so funny, because someone still screamed _“Shion!”_

 

Then his vision burned.

 

_風は魂をさらい、人は心を奪う_

_Kaze wa tamashii o sarai, hito wa kokoro o ubau_

_The wind carries away souls, and people steal hearts_

  
  


“Shion… Please…” Someone continued to cry. _Why are they calling for Shion? He’s still okay. I’m in the forest. I’m going to survive._ But suddenly, he felt doubt. The trees were burning, but they still danced. Not the way a dying tree should. “Shion… Wake up…”

 

_大地よ、雨風よ、天よ、光よ_

_Daichi yo, amekaze yo, ten yo, hikari yo_

_Oh earth, oh rainy wind, oh sky, oh light_

 

The white hair of the old woman. That’s what he was seeing. She was old, and to die here was fine for her. For someone so young as Nezumi- dying here would be a tragedy.

 

_ここに全てを留めて_

_Koko ni subete o todomete_

_Harbor everything in this place_

_ここに全てを留めて_

_Koko ni subete o todomete_

_Harbor everything in this place_

 

The sky shattered. No… Nezumi could see more clearly… The roof collapsed. The world was imploding- or… The support beams were falling. Of course. The world would not implode because Nezumi was hurting. That would be too fantastical. The old woman was still alive.

 

_ここで生きて_

_Koko de ikite_

_Survive in this place_

 

“Shion…” The name was whispered again, and with a sinking feeling of dread, Nezumi realized that it could only mean one thing. He _had_ met Shion. They really were in his burning home. Finally, he felt his own mouth form the word again, “Shion…”

 

_魂よ、心よ、愛よ、想いよ_

_Tamashii yo, kokoro yo, ai yo, omoi yo_

_Oh soul, oh heart, oh love, oh yearning_

 

“I’m here.” A voice whispered back. “We’re going to be okay. We’re outside.”

 

_ここに帰り_

_Koko ni kaeri_

_Return here_

 

Nezumi opened his eyes, looking around at the wreckage that surrounded them. “No we’re not.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Shion whispered hoarsely, “Aren’t we in the forest?”

  
  


_ここに留まって_

_Koko ni todomatte_

_Remain here_

  
“No.”


	14. His Quietus Make

 

_Why did this happen… How could this possibly happen again?_ Nezumi’s eyes were half closed as he tried to remain focussed on the world around him. Every moment seemed to spin in space, becoming more and more convoluted and confused.

 

But… There was the door. It was so close… Nezumi reached out for the handle, but fell short.

 

“Nezumi-” Shion coughed, “Get the door…”

 

Shaking himself viciously, Nezumi reached for the handle one more time, turning it just enough so that the door popped open slightly, and smoke spilled into the hall.

 

_The hall isn’t on fire already…? Maybe the damage isn’t so bad…_ Nezumi found himself unable to trust his own eyes in the haze of scorching smoke and delirium.

 

He pulled himself forward, Shion following close behind. Adrenaline kicking him roughly through his veins, Nezumi made it out the door.

 

Nezumi was just thankful the Shion lived on the first floor. He glanced back at the number on the door- 116. The word sonnet written above was now scorched away by flame. How unfortunate.

 

Loud sirens began to wail as the door they had crawled through swung on its hinges, the rapidly changing air pressure slamming it repeatedly against the wall.

 

Shion’s clothes were burning. Shion’s legs were broken. Shion’s blood was clogged with carbon monoxide, so his cheeks burned pink and his fingertips were red.

 

Nezumi probably looked similar, all though, he was in such shock he couldn’t quite tell.

 

He felt lethargic… The muscles in his arms spasmed. The hallway filled with smoke, and people were evacuating, abandoning them.

 

Pretty soon, the hallway was empty. In their panic, the entire world had forgotten to help, and how could Nezumi have expected any more? Shion was lying flat on his back, staring blankly at the ceiling.

 

“Nezumi…” He whispered, “I’m so glad we came back here…”

 

Hm. Whatever that meant, it couldn’t possibly be important now. The hallway doors were closed, and even as the fire consuming their clothing died down, flames continued to lick through the door, breathing out toxic streams of carbon monoxide as the oxygen of the room was slowly consumed.

 

“It’s hot in the summer, huh?” Shion commented, “I almost didn’t expect it. I guess I just associate this place with winter.”

 

Oh. So he thought he was back in that room… What a strange fantasy to have. That place should by all rights hold horrible memories for Shion. If Shion woke up every night crying, haunted by images of that room, Nezumi would have been less surprised.

 

“I’m really sleepy now… I think we should go to bed. Tomorrow, we can revisit the city.” Shion’s eyes drooped and closed.

 

“No, don’t do that…” Nezumi shook Shion awake, “Don’t go to sleep yet. We have to get out of this hall.”

 

Shion opened his eyes, annoyed, “Hey, I…” He looked around, “Oh… We have to hurry, we might die if we breathe too long.” He tried to sit up, but his eyes crossed and he went pale. “Urgh…”

 

“Hurry,” Nezumi pulled his arm anyway, looking desperately towards the door.

 

“Nezumi, I…” Shion took a few deep breaths, and regained a bit of his color. “Too much.”

 

“What are you talking about? Come on, I don’t care if this ruins your legs forever, we need to move.” Nezumi tried to stand up himself, wobbling, and falling into a crawling position. Well… good enough.

 

Shion gasped a few times, struggling to catch his breath, he murmured, voice weak, “Carbon monoxide bonds to the red blood cells in place of oxygen, respiring into the cells of the body, causing a red tint and…” He gasped again, “Chemical asphyxiation. Blindness, nausea-”

 

“That’s enough.” Nezumi commanded.

 

“-hallucinations, coma, and death.” Shion concluded anyway.

 

“We’ll escape. The door’s right there.” Nezumi gestured, but Shion closed his eyes, shaking his head weakly.

 

“No point.”

 

“Fuck you.” Nezumi growled, pulling himself forward painfully.

 

“Nezumi, I can’t see.” Shion smiled lightly, bringing a shaking hand up to touch his eyelids. “Probably a combination of things… The smoke and heat certainly doesn’t help.” He wheezed, opening his eyes again, but staring at the ground. “I think we’ve been in here longer than we remember.”

 

Nezumi shook his head, not remotely liking the idea, “The door’s right there, Shion. If we get out of this hall, we at least have a chance of getting through this.”

 

“Hmm… I’m kind of depressed.” Shion shrugged. “I thought that when I died, I’d die looking at the world. I wanted to die with my eyes open, up until the very last second. I wish I could see all of this, even though it’s burning.”

 

Nezumi had had enough. Grabbing Shion by the wrist, he pulled him roughly forward. The room spun, and spots swam across his eyes, but he managed to move about a step.

 

Slowly, he managed to drag both himself and Shion through the front door. During that time, his ears began to ring loudly. So much so that it hurt to listen to. When they finally made it outside, the thick, oxygen filled air felt like breathing water. It made him dizzy, but at the same time, his body wouldn’t let him stop. After a few breaths, he looked down at Shion, who was lying with his eyes half-open,staring blankly.

 

“Shion…” He whispered, shaking him slightly.

 

Shion breathed weakly, and Nezumi hands started shaking with relief.

 

“Thank goodness… Can you talk?” He put a hand on Shion’s chest, counting each shaky breath.

 

“...-zu… mi…” Shion mumbled.

 

“I’m here. It’s okay now,” he lied, trying to keep his own injuries from hitting him suddenly. If he could just stay in shock a while longer. People were beginning to crowd around, staring down at the pair. Someone was talking frantically on their phone.

 

“...-to me.” Shion choked, looking up at Nezumi pleadingly.

 

“What’s that?” Nezumi asked, already knowing the answer.

 

“Sing to me.” Shion managed.

 

Nezumi shook his head, “It’s not time for that.” His heart clenched painfully, and he wondered if he might have a heart attack. But the pressure in his chest released as soon as he started crying. Really crying. He broke down, laying on the ground next to Shion, holding his hand.

 

A man in a red shirt walked up to him, crouching down at Nezumi’s side, “Don’t worry, son. The doctor will be here any minute. You’re going to be just fine.”

 

Nezumi shook his head weakly, “Shion…”

 

The man frowned, “Your friend? I’m sure the doctor will do all she can.”

 

Right. Friend. Nezumi had lost friends before. Hell, he’d lost Shion before. But somehow this felt different. Nezumi turned his heavy eyes down to the pale, soot-stained hand clasped in his own. Shion’s fingertips were bright red from the carbon monoxide, and his scar stood out brightly.

 

Nezumi’s throat felt thick, but he couldn’t swallow. Instead, he managed to choke out the words, “I love him.”

 

The man’s eyes widened, “Oh. Well, I’m sure… I’m sure the doctor will do all she can for your… ah, for him.”

 

No.

 

Everything suddenly felt clear.

 

Nezumi pushed himself upright, and brushed the singed hair out of Shion’s eyes.

 

“...Nezumi…” Shion gazed up at him, his eyes opening slightly wider. Still, his pupils were dim. Nezumi doubted he could see.

 

Nezumi took a deep breath,

 

_“風は魂をさらい、人は心を奪う_

_Kaze wa tamashii o sarai, Hito wa kokoro o ubau_

_The wind will sweep away souls, and people will steal hearts”_

 

Shion smiled, gripping Nezumi’s hand a little stronger, some of the light returning to his eyes. He focussed on Nezumi.

 

_“それでも、ここに留まり_

_Sore demo, koko ni todomari_

_But even still, I’ll remain here”_

 

“Nezumi, look,” Shion smiled, “Look what I can do.” He blinked happily, “I’ll be the one person you never left.”

 

Nezumi wavered for a moment before he could continue.

 

_“歌い続ける_

_Utai tsuzukeru_

_Continue singing”_

 

“That’s quite a feat, huh?” He sighed, “I feel special.”

 

Nezumi nodded, his eyes stinging.

 

_“どうか_

_douka_

_somehow”_

 

“This way, you don’t have to leave me.” Tears leaked from the corners of Shion’s eyes, carving paths through the ash and smoke stains on his face. Pale scars to hold against the dark ones.

 

_“私の歌をとどけて_

_Watashi no uta o todokete_

_Send my song to where it must go”_

 

Shion’s eyes glimmered as he stared up at Nezumi singing to him, “I’m glad I knew you. Thanks for coming back.”

 

Nezumi forced himself to keep his eyes open, to keep staring at the smiling face of the injured man in front of him. It hurt more than any injury he had received thus far.

 

_“私の歌を受け取って_

_Watashi no uta o uketotte_

_Receive and accept this song of mine.”_

 

Shion’s eyes fluttered closed, and only then did Nezumi let himself look away. Soon after, a doctor appeared to take both of their hollow bodies away.

 

If Shion was gone, and Nezumi was gone, why did Nezumi still breathe? Surely that would stop soon. Those breaths were numbered. No… breaths were always numbered. All people will someday die. There could be no exception.

 

Nezumi hummed on his breaths as he counted them, refusing to register anything else. Not until the doctor had made everything official.

 

He would look up to see Shion’s face. Alive, having impossibly beaten death once again. He had to. That was the end of this story.

 

There could be no tragedy without mass loss of life, and there could be no romance without the lovers sharing a fate. That was the story Nezumi had decided on so long ago. It must be true. It couldn’t possibly have failed now.

 

But again, as if to mock him, Shion’s body was covered. Fabric obstructed the eyes he had tried so hard to keep open. To see the world that had caused such harm, such… Nezumi hated the word. To him it felt like an admission of defeat. An acceptance of something that was absolute and eternal. Yet, here it felt right.

 

Such hell.

 

And the word burned off Shion’s door- Sonnet. That one word that represented the poem that held so much meaning behind it too. Sonnet 116.

 

_Let me not to the marriage of true minds_

_Admit impediments._

_Love is not love_

_Which alters when it alteration finds._

 

It couldn’t. And it didn’t. Even a love gone undeclared could never change and it hadn’t. It had gone through the test of a full reversal of character between the two it had found.

 

First: Nezumi had left, and Shion had stayed in his rain-soaked bedroom in Chronos.

 

Next, again: Nezumi had left, and Shion had stayed in the broken remains of his home.

 

Finally, as if trying to balance the scale: Shion had left, and Nezumi had stayed in the world that now felt half-empty.

 

What a joke. To break the pattern so suddenly, then leave. It was a horrible, disgusting thing for love to do. Yet, it had been done. And there was nothing that could possibly change it now. How humiliating.

 

*******

 

Nezumi was in a tree. It was two years later, and he had kept his promise. He stared down at the drastically changed skyline of No. 6 which melded seamlessly into West Block.

 

He twirled a leaf between his fingers, carelessly shredding it. Two more he picked, tearing them up and throwing them to the ground.

 

Again and again for two more minutes, ripping up leaves and letting them fall like morose confetti onto a lonely white grave.

 

The grave itself was uninteresting. It jutted from a single mound awkwardly, the first tooth in a new baby’s mouth. Nezumi leaped down from his perch, kneeling on the pile of dirt and mulch, staring intently at the headstone.

 

A thin band of black marble wove it’s way around the white gravestone, clearly meant to match the scars of the person beneath.

 

To Nezumi, it just looked like it had been broken. But, he supposed Shion had been broken as well, so maybe it was fitting.

 

Two years ago, Nezumi thought Shion had left him. Now he realized that was wrong. Shion didn’t go anywhere at all. Rather, he had planted himself firmly in one place forever, forcing Nezumi to leave again and again.

 

Rather inconsiderate.

 

Nezumi traced a finger down the black marble line, “I’m not coming back, Shion. I’ll make one last promise to you. This will be the very last time I leave you.”

 

He kissed the cold stone.

 

_So. That’s it, then._ Nezumi stood, folding his hands across his chest as he stared down at the little white grave for the last time.

 

“Goodbye, Shion. I did love you.”

 

The grave did not reply.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you.


End file.
